Monday, June 30, 2008

I'm trying so hard!

These past few days have been long and stressful, but at the same time, so filled with blessings as I have been able to learn so much from my sweet girls. I truly feel at times as though I look into their little faces and see eternity...all of the goodness, the light, the hope, the potential.

The other day, we'd had quite a few errands to run and were very busy. I was tired. When we got home, I needed to give the girls a quick lunch so that they could take a nap. I warmed up hot dogs and wrapped them in a tortilla with a slice of cheese. They usually like that for a fun, fast lunch. Our second daughter was taking a very long time. I went into the kitchen to do something, and she came in a minute later. I asked her if she had finished it all. She said she had. A few minutes later, as I passed the table, I saw that she had not eaten the tortilla, just the hot dog. I told her quietly that I was disappointed that she had lied to me. I was too tired to sit and get her to eat it, though, and finished getting the other girls through the potty time so that they could take a nap.

A couple minutes later, I was tucking them into their beds. As my daughter laid down, I noticed that her little cheeks were just bulging. I asked her what on earth she had her in mouth! She opened it enough for me to see that it was her tortilla. Without me even asking her to, she had put the entire thing in her mouth before coming upstairs. Through a very full mouth, she said, "Mommy, I'm sorry I told a lie." I started to cry and threw my arms around her. It meant so much to me that she had tried to do the right thing once she knew how disappointed I was. And she did it without me asking her to. That was so touching to my heart! It reminded me of something that Neal A. Maxwell once said:
"We underestimate how genuinely and frequently our children want to please us."
Something really sweet happened tonight with our oldest daughter. As we were getting ready for bed, I was trying to get the girls up the stairs when I noticed that she looked pretty down. I asked her what was wrong, and she burst into tears.

"I don't think I'll ever get big like you guys! [meaning Matt and I] I want to be 27 like you! I want to be big and tall and strong like you and daddy! But it just isn't happening!"

I reassured her that it would happen, and that she really was growing, and that it would be okay. :)

But then she said, "I'm trying so hard! I'm trying so hard to grow big, but I'm not growing!"

Of course we had a wonderful conversation about it and what began in tears ended in smiles and hope that 27 would indeed come, but that 5 was exciting and wonderful to enjoy, also. I said, "You're growing even if you can't see it. As long as you're trying to do good and grow, you are." But I am grateful for that experience, because I feel it was an answer to my own prayers the past few days. I know that this may resemble an earlier post, but it must be something that I've really needed help with lately. :) I have been praying and struggling myself, feeling as though I have been trying so hard to grow and progress and do better, but that I just haven't been getting anywhere. I don't know if I desire anything more than to become like the Savior. I get so discouraged with myself at times and my own imperfections. I feel like I make a little bit of progress, but then fall backwards. Tonight as I listened to my daughter and spoke with her, I felt like my own Father in Heaven was trying to give me the same counsel that I was giving her:
You're growing even if you can't see it. As long as you're trying to do good and grow, you are.
I love my family so very much. Though this is starting to get long, I just want to write one more thing about the past few days. Matt is my joy every minute of my life. Short of the atonement, he is my greatest blessing. I Love him with all my heart and soul and every moment with him is precious to me. I am blessed above all I can imagine! I love our family. :)

2 comments:

Tara and Dan Stewart said...

What a great post! Full of good and happiness :). And it makes you realize just how precious children really are :).

What were you doing up at 1:00 am, crazy girl? Guess I could have called you after all :)

kannie said...

Oh, I love how kids are so eager and excited to show us something we'll approve of... it's when they do something they know we *won't* approve of that it's important to remember the other times, LOL...

And I'm still "trying so hard" on that one. New day tomorrow!