Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Why we keep journals

I am not a tremendous journal keeper these days. Before I got married and had babies, I wrote every day, but of course, as I became much busier, I let myself lapse quite a bit in that area. But I have genuinely tried to write down the very important things, thoughts and impressions that have come to me.

I have been aching and struggling so much lately, and these past couple of days have been so discouraging to me and my heart! I have been praying fervently for help. I just have not seemed to be able to find peace. I know that I came pretty close to it before, but I just couldn't find it again. My heart was sad and I found myself becoming more and more grumpy and frustrated. Amazingly, peace eluded me all the more.

Today as I have plead for peace and for help, I knew I should truly have been praying for a change of heart. I just could not. I just want things to be different! I have been feeling such anxiety, and it began to engulf me this afternoon. I went to my Father in desperation with a plea for help. I read my scriptures, hoping for peace. I did find great peace in the scriptures, and once my heart was a bit more softened by them, I could hear the gentle prompting to read my journal.

As I went to it and began to read, I was amazed to read my words, describing how I was feeling right now! I had felt this way before. Many times. But there, in my journal, was an entry I had nearly forgotten, written the day of General Conference. I had prayed fervently then, too, for answers, for help, for peace, for guidance. And it had come. My heart had been a bit softer and more willing then, and peace had come more readily. The answer that I so dearly sought today was in there. It was an answer I had forgotten...that in my own desperation, I had nearly erased from my heart. I am so grateful that I wrote what I was prompted to write, months ago, so that that sometime down the road, I could save my own "perishing soul."


chantilita said...

I'm glad that you could "help yourself"! :) Danny got irritated at me when I told him I write my journals in code. He asked me how the heck anyone is supposed to get anything out of them if I'm the only one who can read it. Big palaver later, I have now written the code down and placed it in an undisclosed location.

Long story short--you and your children are going to benefit from your journals a lot more than mine apparently :) lol I'm glad you were able to give yourself the answers you were looking for.

kannie said...

Oh man - Chantilita, good idea! I kept mine in Spanish for a long time, too!!! All of our kids are going to have to learn Spanish, I guess...

The biggest thing I get out of my journals at this time, on the rare occasion I read them, (even more rarely than I get around to writing in my journal since I got married...), is dismay at how stupid I was for so much of my life. Kind of depressing, actually. It really says great things about you, that you get good, inspiring things from yours!!! :-) Waaaaaay to go!!! :-)

Ann said...

Oh believe me, there's plenty of that for me, too!! At times it is so depressing...but I am trying to work on focusing how far I came from that point, trying to shift my thoughts from feeling stupid to feeling glad for some progression. LOL :)

Tara and Dan Stewart said...

I love going back and reading old journal entries. It's so easy to forget trials when they are done and gone. Journals are such a blessing because they help us see that those moments really are just "moments." I need to do better at my journal writing!