Friday, September 5, 2008

It doth not yet appear what we shall be

I prayed to God to save me when the foundations of my house began to shake and when I looked up, . . . I realized it was God who was shaking down my house...

Is there any feeling more thrilling than the return of joy? How does joy send up its tender shoots through the dense and rocky soil of disappointment and despair and around the weeds of regret? One minute, like a garden in the dead of winter, you are dormant, and life's compromises and complexities have become so tangled that your own growth is stunted. Then suddenly a warmth and light surround you, and even though nothing may have changed outwardly, once again you begin to feel a pulse.

- Sarah Ban Breathnach

Many of you know that I have been undergoing a deep personal struggle these past few months. It has been a time of choosing for me. I think that one of the hardest things about this particular trial has been the amount of choice I have actually had...I could easily choose to do something that I wanted to do, but I felt I had been given a different answer. That answer was so painful to me that it felt my whole future was clouded and uncertain, as I could not imagine what I could possibly do or become now.

At one point, though, not long after this trial started, I decided that I truly wanted to follow my Father in Heaven, to do what He wanted me to do, even if I felt suffering. And though I know my trials are not as great as so many others', my own suffering has been difficult to bear. But as I have tried to truly give my will these past months, and to seek for His, I have felt a change come over me. I have been filled with compassion. My heart, though I am so very imperfect, truly desires to know and do His will for me. My eyes have been opened to my miraculous blessings. My mind is softer. My gratitude is full and genuine, and I see blessings that I never saw before.

I still do not know what the future holds. But joy has returned, and peace is in my heart. I do not know what I shall be, but I do know, that more than anything, I want to be like Him, even if it means walking through sorrow at times. I see just how far I must go to improve myself, but I also have faith that He will help me, and that the journey of progression will be worth it. My greatest hope is this:
Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is.
1 John 3:2

3 comments:

chantilita said...

You are so amazing... you've given me so much strength and ability to carry on just by watching you. I love you!!!

kannie said...

Bending our will is something we all struggle with ... and you're doing GREAT :-). We love you so much!!! And I really appreciate your example!!! :-)

Jason Calton said...

Greater are we that struggle that those who glide by with no adversity. If we continue to feast upon the words of Christ , being steadfast and unmovable , thus sayeth the Father , we shall have eternal life. You are a beaken of strength in my eyes Ann , and I will always cherish your will and drive to be the best that you can be at all you do , I've said before you inspire me ...Dito again ..you inspire me