Friday, February 19, 2010

Premonitions



I've been seeing this poor little face a lot lately.  It seems that it happens every time, in the preparing time before a new baby comes.  Sadness, confusion, frustration, and often outright despair seem to fall on the other children, particularly the littlest. 

This poor little one spends much of her day in tears, and some in anger.  I can see in her eyes that she is upset, frightened, and confused.  I can tell that ofttimes, she doesn't even know herself what she is crying for.  She just knows something is coming.  She is afraid and upset, and she doesn't know what to think. 

Today I took her in my arms and held her.  She resisted me at first.  She was too upset and felt angry.  But as I quietly held her and stroked her little curls, she gradually melted into my arms, and her cry changed from a wail to a soft, genuine, heartache cry.  I whispered to her that everything would be alright.  That she would love the baby.  That though things would be hard for a while, she would be glad for the change. 

As I held her, tears came to my eyes.  You see, lately, I've had a premonition, too.  At various times in my life, I've felt that something was coming.  Something difficult and perhaps frightening.  And lately, that feeling has returned.  My own heart has cried, and fear has been hard to push away from my mind.  I have thought of past things that happened when this feeling preceded them.  I never want to go through anything like any of those things again, and I have fought a sense of dread.  I'm happy with how things are.  I don't want anything to change.  I have pleaded in my prayers that I would be wrong, and that nothing difficult would come.  But the more I have resisted the future, the more I have resisted my own comfort.

As I held my daughter today, I could quietly, gently feel Someone else holding me.  As I hushed her fears and assured her that everything would be wonderful in the end, I felt those same whisperings in my heart.  As I quietly whispered, "Trust me, sweetie," I heard a whisper in my own mind.  "Trust Me, Ann." 

Suddenly, fear started to fade, and a remembrance that He knows more than I know came back to me.  Just as I know more than my littlest daughter right now, He knows more than me, His little daughter.  Just as I know that it may be hard for a little while on her, I know that this new little sister will bring her great joy, love, and companionship...such that she could never have known without her.  And just as He may know that whatever is coming may be difficult for me for a while, He also knows that it will make me a happier, better person in the end, just as these things always have.  As I look back on all of the past struggles, I am grateful for them, every single one.  Though they were painful and very difficult to undergo, each has brought me a joy and a growth I could never have had without it.
Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: But rejoice..." (1 Peter 4:12-13.)

5 comments:

Jessie Mae said...

I feel much that same today. Thanks for the reminder :)

Elaine said...

It is so wonderful to know that our Father in Heaven is right there for us. I have had some really upsetting times at work the last couple of weeks and the Sacrament prayer put everything in perspective to me. As I was sitting there thinking about Christ, a thought came to me "Christ died on the cross for me."

I love you and your sweet little family.
I love your posts. I always learn so much.

Nicole said...

ann, so many new things coming.... thank goodness Father knows and cares.

i love you!

Debra Domenici said...

Ann,
You write so beautifully and you have such strength. You are a great example to me and many others. Please know that we are here for you and miss you! We really need to catch up!

Tara and Dan said...

This post brought tears to my eyes... Our little ones have such tender hearts. We ache when they ache and all we want to do is comfort them. Thank you for the reminder that that exact relationship we have with our Father in Heaven...