Tuesday, April 13, 2010

What I've been carrying around...

There has been a lot on my mind lately. I have been working on a project of mine in every spare moment I have...i.e., when all 5 children are sleeping. Those moments are rare, so my work must occur at a rapid pace.  (Yes, I know I've been discussing said project here and there...I promise to actually talk about it soon.)

So I'm tired.  But adding to that tiredness is a monumental heartsickness that I grapple with almost constantly, and which I am constantly trying to figure out how to deal with.  There are so many things I care about, and things I am trying to do something about, and the gruesome injustices and fears of the world weigh on my mind. 

I go through such a flux of emotions.  I hold my dear, precious baby, and I feel such joy and such pain all at once.  I feel such gratitude, and such guilt.  It's hard to explain.  I ache for the women who suffer.  For the women who have such pain, all over the world, in all walks of life.  I have so much, and at times, it seems so unfair.  And no, I need no helpful comments telling me it's not my fault.  I know that.  But I still ache. 

At times, I rise up on wings of gladness and hope, feeling like I can help.  Then self-doubt would have me crash.  The ebb and flow is constant some days, and it's exhausting.  Working on this project makes it come ever stronger, and more violently.  I constantly fight the "Who do you think you are?" feelings.

Well, as Matt would remind me, I'm a woman, a daughter of God.  One who cares about other daughters, and who will try to help.

I saw this today, and it lifted me.  Women who carry such burdens, who can still laugh and find joy.  I found the burdens they carried to be so symbolic of their burdens in life.  If they can keep smiling and laughing, surely I can, too, as I try to help. 

And truly, this child is a gift, one of my greatest.  They all are.  How could I ever hold them and not be comforted?


c h a n t i l e said...

I'm so excited for you and all that you're doing :) (still a little medicated, so I can't quite get my thoughts right, but I love you and am thinking of you! :) xoxox)

Krista said...

OK, so... I get it. I'll ramble for a while, and if it's helpful, cool! If not, please just file it away, LOL...

The only way I'm able to let it go is to remember that we are *still* mortal. And mortality's not the end game. It's so hard to truly mourn with those that mourn, and then go back to our charmed (however difficult) lives... I think that maybe that's the second-biggest challenge of all the gospel. (The biggest being developing charity, of course.)

But anyway, with our mortality comes a limited, very mortal, capacity. The Savior comprehends it all because He needs too, and he had a dual capacity for experience and understanding. We, on the other hand, can have untold influence - but it is STILL limited. This scripture (D&C 50:40-42) has really struck a chord with me:
40 Behold, ye are little children and ye cannot bear all things now; ye must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth.
41 Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world, and you are of them that my Father hath given me;
42 And none of them that my Father hath given me shall be lost.

... and here's another similar one:
D&C 78:17-18:
17 Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye are little children, and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you;
18 And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eeternity are yours.

The common theme is that we *are* still "little children" and "cannot bear all things." The Lord understands this, and I know He can comfort us. Not only that, but He has truly overcome the world - all of its troubles, pains, and injustices. I don't understand the mechanism of the Atonement, but I know He has overcome it all (not "will," but "has" - even time doesn't bind Him). Coming back to that central faith helps me, even when all the myriad wrongs in the world are still staring me in the face...

*HUGS!!!!!* Love you! :) And best wishes on your project!!! :)

www.theevolvinghomemaker.com said...

There is a ray of sunshine for my favorite Mommy on my blog today!