Little Women and a Mom

Moved

2010-10-26T16:35:00.000-06:00

One last notice! My blog has now moved to http://littlewomenandamom.com. If you have us in your blogroll or google reader, you'll have to update to feed to http://littlewomenandamom.com/feed. Thanks for reading! :)

Ann

Moving...

2010-10-18T15:42:00.000-06:00

For those of you who read my blog, I wanted to update you. :) I will be moving over to littlewomenandamom.com. Blogger will redirect if you come to the page from there, but will not update posts any more. So for those of you who use Google Reader, you'll probably have to update the RSS feed from the new site.

See you over there! :)

Passages

2010-10-13T14:34:00.000-06:00

My great-aunt passed away this morning.

She was such a part of my life, that she was like another grandma to me.

Though I am comforted by the knowledge that I will see her again, today I feel some of the sad ache of loneliness that comes with losing someone who is dear.

As I have held my littlest one today, I have thought a lot about my aunt. This wee one carries her name.

After I heard the news of my aunt's passing, which I had been waiting for for several days, I instinctively went and picked up my little one and held her close.

For one moment, I felt the same feeling I had had as a child, wrapping my arms around my sweet, tall, gentle aunt. I could feel the warmth of her stove and the breeze on my face as I would look through the window of her fascinating little bathroom. :) I could smell her dainty smell and hear her heart beat through her thin frame. I could hear her soft little laugh, and for a moment, it was like she had come to say good-bye.

One life ends, and another is just beginning. The day feels bittersweet.

I think what I always loved most about my aunt is not that she and her sister always remembered my birthday. It is that I noticed, even from a very young age, that life had not dealt her or her sister the easiest hand. They were alone, but they had each other. And they always smiled when I saw them. Always.

Kind of like my little one. :) I've never known a baby who smiled so much, regardless of ear infections and teething and a loud, busy home.

So today, I am trying to remember those lessons as I say good-bye for a small time. Smile, and rely on each other. See the blessings in what you have.

I'll miss you. I can't wait to see you again.

Ripples

2010-10-09T12:59:00.002-06:00

(My sisters, mom, a friend, and I at Yoga for Congo Women, Vernal, this morning.)

I had the most beautiful morning today. It was damp, it was freezing.

It was wonderful.

A while ago, a few people did something and the ripples of their influence changed my life.

I, in turn, tried to do something, and I am seeing little, miraculous ripples going outward.

My sister then caught her own vision and did something of her own. She organized a Yoga for Congo Women event in her hometown. We had a wonderful little group of women show up.

This morning, I am seeing the ripples of her influence going out.

Whatever you may believe in, whatever you may do, don't be afraid of results that are seemingly small. Don't be afraid of tiny ripples. Because those small, tiny ripples do go out, and who knows where their influence will end?

I believe it's possible that they never will.

Start where you are, and do something. That's the only way anything will ever change.

That's what these women are doing every day:

(photo by Lisa Shannon)

(photo by Women for Women)

Every day, by having the courage to hope for a new life, these women send forth their own ripples of hope and change in their villages. And their ripples are possible because of the ripples of people like my sister, Christine.

Like each of us.

Ready to make your own small ripple? Consider doing Yoga for Congo Women online. There's still time. You will love it. :) Or, sign up for Team Hope....another amazing woman making some amazing ripples of change. And your little ripple will make the ripples of other women possible.

And that's how the world changes. :)

She gets it from her mother.

2010-10-07T22:55:00.000-06:00

Patience.

Or the lack thereof. :)

This little one cracks me up all of the time. Once she could scoot around, she decided she was done with that and that walking was surely next.

"Next," meaning "right now," naturally.

Don't be fooled by these pictures...this isn't a cute attempt at crawling. She is studying, working, truly trying to stand up. And all with a smile on her face, the little sweetie.

It seems I am constantly running from one learning experience to the next, never stopping. I get so dissatisfied with myself and get so eager to move on. Today, after a moment of frustration, I realized that the pauses may be just as important, too.

At the very least, I can keep smiling, like she does, while desperately trying to move on to the next step, even when it's a long time in coming. :)

Timshel

2010-10-05T19:46:00.000-06:00

I love my loved ones. :)

I opened my heart on here a day or two ago. It felt that day like my heart was broken...so weighed down by past wrongs, by weakness, by fear of inadequacy.

I was actually hoping for no response. I was feeling lousy and just needed to write it all down.

But what a response I got. My husband listened with those sweet ears and held me with those big arms. :) My sister-in-law reminded me of an incredible talk we had both just heard, and reminded me not to look back, but to go forward. Several very good friends commented and cheered me on so kindly. Another friend surprised me with an incredible gift. I emailed with an incredible woman today about the influence she has had on my life through her beautiful and generous heart and talents. My mother listened and laughed with me today, as did my sister. And another unfailing sister, one who has always been too forgiving of me, inspired me with love and music.

Thinking about her tonight, my mind is caught up in lyrics of a song or two. "Timshel." It means choice, something you may do. There is always a choice.

So many people have chosen to be kind to me, in spite of my inadequacies and wrongs.

And I could choose to loathe myself, or choose to strive to do better, because as I was reminded today, there is more to me than this. Also, that I am not alone in this.

Tonight I find myself recommitted, and re-remembering who I really am. (Why is that so hard to remember? It must be that it is so important...the hardest things seem to be the most important.)

So awake, oh my soul. Droop no more. For "where you invest your love, you invest your life." (-M&S)

And my life is a gift. Literally. I don't want to waste it feeling this way.

Thank you for helping me, for loving me.

Fear not

2010-10-05T08:11:00.000-06:00

Fear. It's my greatest foe. My biggest hurdle. It's all too easy for me to buckle under and let fear, doubt, or anxiety rule my mind.

Thank you for those of you who commented or otherwise responded to the post yesterday. I was at a low point and needed your insights. I love you, and I am so grateful to you.

We need each other. :)

Today, I crept down to the kitchen before my kids woke me up. The sun was just beginning to peek in on the day. The first things that greeted my eyes were two gorgeous new soap molds, made for me by a friend.

A simple sight, and a peaceful one. It reminded me again that I am not alone. :)

I hit a low point the past couple of days. Thanks for being there for me, to help me back up. I hope I can do the same for you if you ever need it.

There is hope in the sunlight this morning again, and I am reminded of Jeffery R. Holland's words:

"I acknowledge the reality of opposition and adversity, but I bear witness of the God of Glory, of the redeeming Son of God, of light and hope and a bright future. I promise you that God lives and loves you, each one of you, and that he has set bounds and limits to the opposing powers of darkness. I testify thatJesus is the Christ, the victor over death and hell and the fallen one who schemes there. The gospel of Jesus Christ is true, and it has been restored, just as we have sung and testified this morning.

'Fear ye not.' And when the second and the third and the fourth blows come, 'fear ye not...The Lord shall fight for you.' 'Cast not away therefore your confidence.'"

Things I don't like

2010-10-04T00:16:00.000-06:00

It's an interesting time of life for me.

I don't know exactly how to describe it, but so many things are shifting and changing. I find myself reevaluating my life, over and over.

There are so many things I wish I could change. So many people I wish I could tell I was sorry. So many good, kind people who have seen me at my worst.

I hate that.

I know I have hurt almost everyone I know.

Why have I ever had to be that way?

I am so sorry.

And then there are the other parts of myself that I can't stand. The times that I feel so painfully inadequate. The times that I find myself in near-panic because I feel that I'll just never measure up.

To so many things.

Or the times when I see what someone else does and I feel like I should just stop trying because that person is so amazing and so far ahead of me that I have no chance of catching up.

Only to find out that someone else thought that same thing about me. Me, of all people! Meanwhile, I'm so caught up in my flaws that I can't begin to imagine how anyone could ever feel that way about me, that I begin the cycle of self-loathing all the more.

Why? WHY do we do that??

I don't know. It's so self-brutalizing.

But if I were to let those fears and those feelings of pain and guilt stop me from trying to grow, to go on, who would I be? Who would any of us be?

I have found a lot of sorrow in my past wrongs. I have found even more sorrow in comparing myself to others.

I don't think it's right. Not when I've tried to change and to do my best to be better.

I know I haven't always been my best. In fact, I've been my best so infrequently it breaks my heart.

But I have to keep trying. Otherwise my life means so much less than it could.

Tonight, we drove out as a family to just enjoy the peace of nature for a little while. It was wonderful. And in between telling children not to fall into the cold lake and calling them back when they ran too far, I found myself caught up in between two kinds of thoughts: pain for the mistakes and inadequacy of what I have been, and promise of the possibility of what I could be.

And as I get ready to teach my children for a new year, the same words keep ringing over and over in my mind:

"Praise each child individually
for what that child is,
and help him or her escape
our culture’s obsession
with comparing,
competing,
and never feeling
we are
'enough.'"

- Jeffery R. Holland

That's my whole philosophy on teaching my children! Why have I not learned yet to accept it for myself?

So tonight, two new goals:

1) Forgive what I once was, and be different and better.
2) Quit COMPARING. It is destructive. I know who I am. I know it. I am a daughter of God, an imperfect, yet divine woman. Our culture is obsessed with comparing and tearing down. I have to stop.

So please forgive me if I have ever hurt you? I'm not who I used to be. If you're here reading, somehow you've been forgiving of me and allowed me to grow. Thank you for that kindness. I will try to have the same love for others and for myself.

Peace to my soul

2010-09-30T19:15:00.000-06:00

I believe in sacred places. Places so holy that I truly want to remove my shoes.

I believe in a God of love and miracles, of light, guidance, and revelation.

I believe that if we try, He won't let us fail. I believe He understands us and loves us.

I believe He is actively working in each of our lives.

I know it.

I know that not everyone who reads my blog shares my exact beliefs, and that's fine. We all have our own beliefs. Thanks for loving me and reading anyway. :)

I have struggled to find clarity these past few weeks. So much has been changing, so much has been happening. So much has been on my mind.

What I had planned as a quiet couple of weeks has become a couple of weeks of a very busy, anxious mind.

Yesterday, I spoke with a good friend who reminded me of the things that ground me. She reminded me of what is truly important...so much of what I already know, but had gotten muddled on.

I needed peace. I needed to re-center. My girls needed it, too.

We drove to my most cherished place.

The peace. I can't describe it.

Our Temples are often misunderstood and the media often presents odd, skewed viewpoints. I think that anything that isn't common is easy to misunderstand. I can see it seeming odd to those who are not of our faith. (Just please know that I am a fully intelligent, un-brainwashed woman, and the things presented on the media are nearly always wholly untrue. Sad. But is that really a surprise?)

But oh, how I love it there.

Can I tell you why? Why I find peace and sanctuary there, why I want my children to love it?

Why they already do, without me having to coax them?

For one, I believe they are a perfect example of God's love for His children. A sacred, peaceful place where we can go to learn, to grow, to understand in His way.

I can't imagine living without that guidance. I would feel lost.

And I don't believe we were sent here to be lost.

The Temple holds promises of the future...glorious promises of who we can be and what we can become.

But most glorious of all?

The promise that my family can be together forever.

I find such peace in knowing that my family will be together forever...beyond this life, into eternity.

I can't imagine how I would feel holding these sweet girls if I didn't know that. Life is so, so short.

I don't believe we would be sent here and that we would feel so much love, only to have it end at death.

I love remembering what is truly important. I love seeking guidance and peace. I love that if we truly seek, we will find. What love!

We would never deny our own children love and guidance. How grateful I am for a Father who would never deny it to me or you, either.

(I digress...these next pictures crack me up. It's pretty darn hard to get 5 kiddos to all smile and look at once!) :)

Meanwhile...

2010-09-30T01:39:00.000-06:00

I am almost overwhelmed by all of the "meanwhile" that there is to share! So much has been going on, in and amongst all of the glorious Yoga for Congo Women things.

One of the most exciting is that this wee, chubby angel has now turned six months old.

Sigh.

She is such a light in my life. I literally, truly, thank God for her, every moment she is with me.

Yes, I put my baby in a light tent. I'm a mother in love. I can't help it. :)

The eyes. So soul-reaching.

Another exciting happening in our lives is the launch of our new business! See us at our site or at etsy. This is huge and important to me, and I'll tell you much more about it soon. :)

In and amongst other things, this wee one took her first bites. Shame on her sweet little head for growing so darn fast.

So much has happened, so much is on my mind. I will sort it all out soon. Meanwhile, I've relearned again today the huge importance of love and loved ones in our lives.

More soon. :)

Faith, Miracles, Yoga, and Success

2010-09-24T18:44:00.017-06:00

(Prologue: A lot of times, people apologize for the length of a post. I am not going to apologize for this one. I hope you'll read it, every word, and come on the journey with me. This was a sacred experience in my life. I would love it if you'd share it.)

As Yoga for Congo Women approached, I almost dreaded talking to people. Inevitably, the question would come up: "So, how many people have you got signed up?"

I hated to answer. I hated having to make excuses or find reasons why more people hadn't signed up yet.

Each night I would sleep less. I don't think anyone can comprehend the pain and stress of pouring your entire soul into something and having very few people care, unless they have done it themselves.

I am a fervent believer in Divine guidance and help. I truly, deeply believe in miracles. I believe with all my soul that faith can literally move mountains. This experience was one of the most faith-developing experiences of my life. I went from pain and doubt to absolute, concrete certainty that if it was His will that droves of people turn out, it would, indeed, happen.

I sent out, gave out, and posted hundreds of fliers. I sent releases to every news station. Twice. I posted on every events page, forum, social network, and blog. But as the event drew nearer, and I put so much effort, money, and time into trying to spread the word and publicize it and persuade (then beg) people to come, I would go to bed full of faith that it could still be successful, but sad. Sad that perhaps it wasn't His will that this event be a huge success. Sad because I was feeling that so few people cared.

I believe in a God of miracles. But I also believe in a Father Who is so very loving, that He would never force His children to do anything, even if other children were hurting.

I felt I was failing. I was failing the women in the DRC who I loved and ached for. I was failing my sponsors who had supported me in good faith. I was failing myself. Most terribly, I was failing my family, who had sacrificed so much and for so long.

I cried at night and told Matt my fear, my terrible fear of failure. My fear that I would arrive on the day of the event with only three supporters. After a year of preparation, the thought made my heart almost literally break.

Matt, ever so kindly, told me that perhaps I needed a different definition of success.

In my heart of hearts, I knew he was right, but come on! How could success possibly mean that I didn't raise enough money to sponsor even one woman? Success meant numbers, right? If I was going to make my family go through so much, I felt that HUGE results were the only thing that could possibly make it worth it.

And so I worked even harder, till I was literally exhausted in every way. I knew that I had done everything I possibly could. I had enough faith to know that, however it worked out, it would be alright. That was all I could hold on to. (That, and Matt.) :)

At last, it was the night before the event. It was a strangely happy and peaceful night, filled with the quiet bustle of preparation. Loved ones were here, and that love bolstered me up. My sweet baby took her first bites that night, and that sweet triumph and joy calmed what nerves there were left that night. My heart was oddly calm, and by bedtime, we were ready.

As I listened to the sleeping house that night, lying in Matt's arms, my mind again began to race. What if no one came? What if my sponsors hated me? What if I really stink at teaching yoga and just didn't know it? What if the sky fell in? What IF?

I closed my eyes and prayed for help to have faith. A previous post from a month ago came to my mind. I remembered that sweet day. It was a day when I finally felt and knew for sure who I was really meant to be. I had been in a room full of women who were hurting. I had something to offer, and I gave it lovingly, freely, compassionately. That's who I was. I knew it. So it didn't matter if no one cared or came. I could not fail, because I had given all of my heart to healing, and so had my family.

But what would success look like? Would it look like I had hoped?

Finally, the dawn broke and it was time.

Finally.

I got ready quietly. My husband, mom, and I drove in the rain. It was peaceful. Yes, I was nervous. But it was finally time.

From the moment we arrived, it just clicked. I felt like angels were there.

Angels often appear as people, you know. My mom so quietly and efficiently ran the check-in table, lifted my worries, and listened. My husband was cheerful and oh, so loving as he quickly rearranged the room to perfection. My friend was there to lift our hearts with his cheerful manner and his terrific sound system.

As I set up pictures of women that I loved, my heart settled in. I was at peace. It was for them. It was worth it.

It was perfect.

People started to come in, and I finally met women I have loved and admired for a long time. Having them there meant the world to me. They'll never know the peace they brought.

It was amazing. Each person that trickled in, each new face showed it: they felt it, they got it, they were showing up for these women.

There was not one person there, not one, who wasn't there to do some good, whether for me or for the Congo. You could just feel it. Not one person came with a selfish heart. That was amazing.

Finally, it was time, and I couldn't contain my emotions. It had just been such a long process. So much hope, anguish and heart-felt emotions. It all started to come out. But no one seemed annoyed.

As the yoga began, it was amazing. For one minute, I was nervous again, nervous of what people would think, nervous at having less people than I had originally hoped. But then the light streamed in from overhead, and as it hit me, it melted away. It didn't matter any more.

The feeling in that room was incredible. I've never felt anything quite like it. I've known the healing power of yoga for a long time. I've known the healing power of love for even longer. Combining the two on behalf of others was...indescribable. Perfect beauty.

Every time I looked out at those who came, my eyes filled with tears for the love in the room. It was miraculous. Several had come many, many miles. Oh, how I love them. :)

Finally, at one point in the presentation, as we were resting with eye pillows over our eyes, it all came to me.

Finally.

I realized with perfect peace in that moment that it was perfect. Right there, just like it was. No, there weren't a hundred people there. But it finally wasn't the quantity that mattered any more. It was the quality. The people who were there were capable of so much love. So much goodness. So much selflessness. To have people there who loved less would have lessened the feeling. It wouldn't have been the same.

It was a miracle. It was one of the greatest miracles of my life.

It wasn't the miracle I had expected or hoped for.

It was better.

I don't think I will ever forget the feeling in that room, for as long as I live.

I think that many, many people who were there had a very sacred, personal experience. Quite a few have shared those individual experiences with me. Each have been different, and each have been very special. I have felt honored to know your thoughts during that time.

After listening to many of the participants who were there, I finally felt success. Because the miracle was this: after this event, I think almost everyone who was there believed that hope and healing was possible, not only for the Congo, but for themselves, as well.

Lives were changed. Not only Congolese lives. Our lives.

My life.

I'll never be the same. And I'm so very glad.

(PS - THANK you to each and every one of you who loved me, listened to me, and helped me. Those who donated and showed up...no words. Thank you. And by the way, we did have a great turnout.) :)

(PPS - There are a few AMAZING pictures in this post...they were taken by this gal...WOW. She's incredible.)

Incredible.

2010-09-18T15:36:00.003-06:00

Truly, one of the most incredible days of my life.

More soon. It's time to be with my family for a while.

Thank you for your love and support. I'll write about it soon. :)

Learning

2010-09-16T15:19:00.002-06:00

Our decision to homeschool often surprises people.

"Why?" I seem to hear, over and over.

Well, while they can think of a million reasons why I shouldn't, I have a million and one reasons why I do.

But it isn't easy or perfect most of the time. Lately, as I have been working so much on getting this event ready, I have struggled with a lot of inner frustration and guilt. Though I still do activities with the girls while they're awake, my mind has had a difficult time being fully engaged.

And, we haven't started school yet this year. GASP.

Don't worry, it's a conscious choice, but even though I really don't believe children need to be pounded so hard and for so long, I do get tempted to feel like perhaps I am not doing what I should be for them.

But today, I was reminded again of why we teach at home.

Today, instead of a regular school day, my girls helped me finish up with some things I've been working on for Yoga for Congo Women. As we worked, we talked, and they understood again why it is so important to us.

And then there was this clear, clear moment... I could see it in my daughter's eyes. It clicked. I could see it: the thought that "There's a problem, but I CAN do something about it. And I will."

To go beyond facts and figures to power and understanding: that's why I want to teach them at home. So that when they step out into the world, they are armed with the power, the knowledge, that they can change it, instead of sadly accepting it. And they'll know that we each enter the world in our own way, and that they'll be able to find theirs.

Somehow, I know they will.

PS - What's with the rice, you ask? Want to know what we were making? Come to Yoga for Congo Women on Saturday. :) You'll love it.

Giveaway heaven!

2010-09-14T00:22:00.000-06:00

I am in awe of the people who have stepped forward and done SO much to show their love for others lately. They have taught me and given me so much, and I am so blessed to know them!

I am so excited to tell you about a couple of them, and some marvelous giveaways they are hosting!

Lacey is a wonderful friend of mine, and a beautiful photographer. I have tried several times to copy her style and locations. See?

Her picture has more motion and is just all around cuter, but copying her was so fun. :)

Now, she's hosting a giveaway that YOU could win, and you, yes you(!), could have darling pictures of your family like the above sample. :) Wow! I want to win! If you are in the Denver area, go to her blog, read a little about how you can help, and leave a comment. Don't be shy! She is really excited and happy to do this! You could win a free photography package from Lacey! You are SO lucky!

And there's yet another giveaway! My beautiful sister, Christine, makes beautiful little books. This girl makes the most gorgeous things I have ever seen. Her needlework makes me cry. Her sewing makes me sigh. Her books make me happy, because I've never tried to recreate one, and thus have not had that particular pain of failure, yet. :) She has made a darling little book, and here are the details:

The pages are about 3x4.5" (the cover is just slightly bigger). It's got blank pages (no lines, white paper) that are acid-free, art-quality (pencil, charcoal, pastel). It would work great for a sketchbook or a journal. It's hand-bound of course, because this girl can do things with her hands that no other human can. Sigh again. :) But oh, how I love her, and I am so excited about this giveaway!

This notebook giveaway is open to any and all who participate in the Yoga for Congo Women event, be it at the live event, via the online broadcast, at one of the satellite events that are forming, or by making a donation! So no comment necessary, but if you want this little beauty (and I know you do), get involved and get registered! It's time!! :)

Thank you both so much, Lacey and Christine! I love you!

COME to Yoga for Congo Women! I promise you will love it!

The weekend

2010-09-12T20:35:00.003-06:00

The weekend always means...daddy.

Sweet, sweet, daddy, much adored by the many women of our home. :)

"You soak-ed, Daddy?" :)

This weekend has also meant a nasty stomach bug for me...but let's not think about that. Thank goodness it didn't hit me next weekend. Tender mercies. :)

Because next weekend is for them. I can't wait. See you there? :)

Hiding

2010-09-10T17:12:00.001-06:00

(Don't mind her...she loathes clothing.)

My two-year-old loves to "hide." She hides any time we call her. She hides for fun. She hides to play. She hides to do things she should really do in the bathroom.

This morning, she found a new version of "hiding:"

She really thought we couldn't find her. :) What a hoot she is.

All of my life, I feel like I have been "hiding" in my own way. Not from everything...I mean, I always stood up for what I believed. But I have often avoided the painful stuff. I've hid at times from things that would cause criticism or failure.

Yoga for Congo Women is next week. I've worked so hard. I've done my best. Maybe many people will come. Maybe not. But I won't be hiding either way...I'll have faith and stand up for them.

These women are my fellow sisters. I care about them. And I can't hide and live a quiet, safe life while they live in agony.

So sign up. :) Come on. It will be wonderful. And don't miss this great giveaway this weekend! :)

(PS - I feel like so many of you have come out of hiding and have stood up for your sisters in the Congo lately, too. You've blogged, taken fliers to your friends, opened your mouths, and been brave. I love, love, love you.)

Are you in there?

2010-09-09T18:00:00.001-06:00

Yoga for Congo Women is only a little over a week away. I couldn't be more excited. (I hope so much that you will come!)

I've definitely been preoccupied. I have been trying really hard not to be, but I think it's understandable. This is so important to me!

Today, I've been very busy with last-minute preparations: writing emails, making phone calls, coordinating last-minute items, making sure the audio is all set to go... My kids have been so sweet and so patient, but of course there has been a big lack of "mom" going on. :( I hate that, and I try so hard to not do it. Sigh.

Tonight, as I put away preparations for YFCW and started preparations to go and do another thing, also very important to me, I could tell that my oldest daughter was struggling. I'd had some sort of quiet moment with each of the other girls at some point in the day, but not with her. She was getting increasingly frustrating and loud.

As I was about to get after her again, I remembered something from a talk I had listened to a few days ago. (This video contains a portion of it.)

"Mom, are you in there?"

I wasn't.

So I stopped for a moment, and asked her what she was doing (nicely). She was making paper airplanes. (One of her favorite things to do.) I asked her to teach me how to throw them as well as she does.

She lit up.

It took me 10 minutes, tops. I threw paper airplanes with my sweet girl. It wasn't hard.

But it changed everything. It meant everything.

So I'm going to try harder to be "in there," because no matter how big my plans may be, nothing can ever be as important as they are.

Are you ready for some football?

2010-09-04T12:10:00.001-06:00

We watched Michigan State first today...this outfit was close enough while we waited for Michigan, right?

(Blasphemy, I know.) :)

Just chillin', watching the game. :)

About twice a year we actually let daddy be a man and watch football. :)

Watching football is SO exhausting.

Waking up after half-time!

It's September

2010-09-01T13:06:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning, and a cooler, sweeter sun peeked in between the blinds. The thought that crossed my mind before any was this: "It's September." There may have been a gasp in there.

September. It's what I've been anticipating since the beginning of the year. It's actually been a tiny bit of a comfort all along that it wasn't September yet, because I hadn't yet convinced the whole of Colorado that they need to be at Yoga for Congo Women.

But September is upon us, and do or die, succeed or fail, it's here. And I'm ready for it to be here, though I still haven't convinced the whole of Colorado. :) Lots of people I talk to would rather I didn't. :) Others have heard with such compassionate hearts, and those are people I will love all my life.

Last week the news reported a chilling story. The sad thing is, it's not a new trend in violence...it's just that a story FINALLY got reported.

I'm just not okay with it. Not at all. Those women are sisters in my heart, and I am standing up for them.

So whether 5 people come or 50, it doesn't matter. We will be there, together, for them and for each other. I've put all of my love into this day, and into the yoga presentation.

You'll love it if you come. You'll leave a different person. We all will. And if you're not in Colorado, join us anyway. :)

I've tried to stop panicking about whether people are going to be there or not. I've decided to have more faith. This morning, mid-panic-that-it's-September-now, I was reminded of something:

"Faith is not only a feeling. It's a decision." - Neil A. Anderson

I have felt strongly from the beginning that I should do this. I have felt guided at every moment, even in the hard ones. So I'm going to have faith in that. I'm deciding to have faith in it. I may not be the yoga expert of the world, but I am going to have more faith in myself, too.

With faith, I can't fail, regardless of the outcome.

So welcome, sweet September! Finally you're here, and we'll do some good.

Excited

2010-08-30T15:10:00.001-06:00

When I did the Run for Congo Women last September, I was just in awe of the women who had put it all together. I knew that the organizer was a woman named Jen Parsons, but I didn't know who she was. Turns out, I met her and didn't know it at the time. :) But imagine how thrilled I was when she visited my blog soon afterward! Since then, we've become good friends, and today she wrote about me on her blog!

I'm a little giddy. It's not often that someone you admire so tremendously writes about you. :) You can read her post here. :) (Please do, and pass it on!)

A day at Estes

2010-08-28T17:28:00.000-06:00

We spent the day at Estes Park. It is quickly becoming one of my favorite places.

Can you hear the sweet sigh of relief? It was so nice to get away from the daily pressures for a little while.

Riding the tram up the mountain:

We love it here!

Feeding the chipmunks was the highlight of the day. :)

What a trooper!

Our two-year old calls them "chickamunks." :)

Nothing like clambering over rocks!

Is this child growing before my very eyes? I think she is. Shame on her. :)

With my five favorite women on earth. :)

There should always be a little time for drawing in the dirt. (Here she is drawing arrows for the chipmunks to follow, so they don't lose us.) :)

Beauties!

Trooper, trooper, trooper.

All mine. :)

Making you want to pull your hair out one moment...

...melting your heart the next.

(Isn't that the definition of "two?")

Back down the mountain.

And the trip just would not have been complete without a little trip to the Estes Ark. :)

(PS - Thanks, Dad, for helping us find it. It hasn't changed much.) :)

Leaving just before the afternoon storms roll in...these late summer afternoon storms have got to be one of my favorite things about living in Colorado.

I LOVE my family! Thank you, Loves, for the blissful day.

Good Friends

2010-08-28T16:33:00.000-06:00

Good friends are delightful and restful to the soul. :)

Having a good friend with a darling son and a glorious cinnamon roll recipe...even better. :)

Thankful

2010-08-25T17:02:00.000-06:00

The past few months have been so eventful and so full of challenges, blessings, and one-thing-after-another(s), that it's hard to put them into words.

Some moments have looked just like this:

But somehow, together, lots have looked like this, too:

(What a beauty!)

I can't begin to express the love I feel for so many of you, and for all that you have done for me. The journey I've been on for the past few months has been hard at times, but I have been surprised, again and again lately, at the love and outreach. So many of you have blogged, spoken up, signed up, and just shown up, for me and for what I care about.

Thank you.

Though this journey isn't over yet, and the biggest part is still ahead of me, I can't tell you enough what it has meant.

My family has carried my heart, day in and day out, ever since it began. I love them more than I can ever tell them.

They've been so patient with their crazy mom. :)

I'm so grateful for kids who love being with each other.

Such an angel.

Such soul-searching eyes. I want to make sure she finds something good in mine.

Blessed am I.

One month out!

2010-08-21T00:08:00.001-06:00

Yoga for Congo Women is only a month away! I am thrilled that it is coming up, because it means that soon, we will be able to help some women who dearly need it.

Please allow me to share with you, briefly, a few facts about the Democratic Republic of the Congo:

It is the deadliest war since WWII, and also the most ignored.
5.4 million dead as of January 2008, with 45,000 more continuing to die each month. (That's a September 11th every 2.5 days.)
Innocent women are used as weapons in this war: warring militias compete to be the most brutal, and thus the most feared.
Thousands of women (ranging from ages 3-80) are gang raped each month.
Women are forced to watch as family members are kidnapped and killed.
(YES, this is actually happening, right now!)

But the most important bullet point:

YOU can do something. In one hour, you can change the life of a woman who is hurting.

100% of the proceeds will go towards sponsoring Congolese women survivors through Women for Women International. Women for Women is an established and well-vetted organization that works with women survivors of war world-wide. They provide:

emotional assistance to heal from the trauma they have been through
rights and health awareness training
literacy training
skill-specific training, including business management
seed money to start her own small business upon completion of the one-year program

One woman, Honorata, who has been through the WfW training said, "This program has dared me to hope of having a house, of living in peace, of reclaiming my dynamism, my dignity...to be someone of value again."

Yoga for Congo Women will take up one hour of your time. One morning, if you count traveling to and from. That's it. One morning for you...the rest of her life for her.

Allow me one more bullet point list? Some quick facts about the YFCW event:

You'll feel wonderful.
The yoga will be beginner level.
Almost all of the other people coming are new to yoga, too. Some have never done it before.
You'll save lives.
You'll never be the same again.

And one last one! There will also be an inexpensive ONLINE broadcast! Anyone in the world, no matter where they live, can join in the broadcast at any time that is convenient for them. (http://yogaforcongowomen.org/yoga-for-congo-women-online/) So if you have friends that might be interested in helping, but who don't live in the Denver area, please forward this email on to them!

Please, please come. I promise, no one will stare at you, no one will laugh at you. Come feel the power of standing up and doing something!

"One woman can change anything, but many women can change everything." - Christine Karumba

These women are real, and they're hurting, and I'm just not okay with that. I say we give this "changing everything" thing a try. Who's with me?

Yoga for Congo Women
September 18, 2010
Golden, CO

Learn more or register at: http://YogaforCongoWomen.org

Love,
Ann
PS - Men are invited, too! We've already got a few signed up! Bring your sweetie! I'm bringing mine! :)

Five months

2010-08-19T16:41:00.000-06:00

How is it possible for time to move so quickly?

I love this sweet, sweet child. I'm afraid my only comfort for her rapidly advancing age is to snuggle her all the more. :)

It also makes me realize how quickly the others are growing...time to snuggle them all!

A bike rodeo

2010-08-17T12:23:00.000-06:00

5 kids usually doesn't feel like a lot to me...until I take them to something like this where one million children are zipping around on bikes. :)

I'm reasonably sure this type of activity is designed to delight the hearts and minds of young children, while at the same time inducing aneurysms in their mothers.

I suppose the near-aneurysm was worth it. :)

Going the wrong way around...still makes me smile. :)

Off into the sunset. :)

Love

2010-08-16T20:16:00.000-06:00

Sigh.

She soothes my troubled soul.

What a blessing she is.

Doing something

2010-08-13T10:16:00.000-06:00

Don't miss this wonderful giveaway by the Sleepy Time Gal! Love this stationery!

I am humbled and so grateful by those who have taken this cause to heart, and stand up and do something. Thank you, Sleepy Time Gal. Thank you, Lily Jane! And THANK YOU, each of you who enter this giveaway today and DO something!

My life

2010-08-12T21:39:00.002-06:00

Tonight, I just want to say that my life is incredible.

I had an incredible evening, and it caused me to step back and just be...

...grateful.
...happy.
...confident.
...at peace.

I finally feel a quiet peace tonight. It doesn't matter if I succeed or fail, public though it may be. Because I have already succeeded. Faith and love are what it is all about.

I am so grateful for my life.

Blessed, blessed, blessed am I.

Creative play

2010-08-11T13:37:00.000-06:00

My favorite part of being a kid.

I think it's theirs, too. :)

Out of place

2010-08-09T16:17:00.001-06:00

Each time I drive into the city, there is one thing that amazes me.

It isn't the confusing intersections.

(Yes, it says no turns...but see how you can't go straight? I get it, but it drives me crazy.)

It isn't the towering buildings.

It isn't the culture and style.

It's this:

Tucked in between tall buildings, tight turns, honking horns, construction, and chaos, is this tiny little brick building. It caught my eye a few months ago. Each time I drive in, I look for it.

The picture doesn't do the tiny-ness justice. It's old, odd-shaped, and minuscule. It doesn't fit in among the bustle and overwhelming hugeness of the city.

After a while, I started to notice that someone lives there, or at least does something there. And though they live in this odd, cast-off little place, they fly a flag and put out beautiful flowers.

Something about it has touched me. Even if we feel out of place, odd, and absolutely insignificant in the face of all around us, we still have beauty to offer. We can still lift and help someone, even if we don't feel significant.

I think this little building is me. Or maybe, what I'm trying to be.

Dear two-year old

2010-08-06T21:51:00.000-06:00

Dear two-year-old,

Let me begin by saying that I love you. I love your funny face and your wild hair. I don't know what I would do without you.

That being said, I don't quite understand your fascination with combining markers and our white couches. I mean, I suppose I can see the attraction. So I try to be patient.

However, I do wish you knew how much time and effort it takes to get it all cleaned up. I finally did that yesterday. You may have noticed.

In fact, I'm sure you noticed, because today you did it again. And then you peed on the couch, just for good measure.

I hope you had fun. I am sure it was very satisfying to make that nice, clean surface look "normal" again.

I just wanted to say thank you, for letting me enjoy the clean couch for 12 entire hours this time. That was big of you.

Love,
Mom

Scrub-a-dub Love

2010-08-06T13:45:00.000-06:00

I just love this little girl.

Nothing better than cuddling up with a sister after a good bath. :)

We are the ones

2010-08-03T19:02:00.001-06:00

When I was young, we had a family friend who had grown up in Germany. She told me a story once. It was World War II, and she was a little girl. She knew things were hard, but she wasn't tremendously aware at the time of all that was happening. One day, a little boy came to school with a small pamphlet or book that had pictures and information about what was happening in concentration camps. She was shocked, and came home and told her mother about it. Her mother immediately silenced her and told her never to think or talk about it ever again.

This poor mother did what she had to do to keep her daughter and family safe in an incredibly dangerous and dark time. I can only imagine her fear and her terror living at such a time and place.

Later on in my life, I was in a high school history class. By that time, I'd learned about World War II so many times that, though the stories still horrified me, I was no longer surprised by them. I had one teacher, though, who loved a good shock. And knowing her audience (a bunch of rowdy 17-year-olds), she often found the most "exciting" material she could.

One day she showed us a WWII video in class that had things in it I hadn't seen or heard before. It was so horrible that I became physically ill. I asked her if I could go to the restroom. I went out into the hallway and tried to clear my mind of what I had seen, but found I had trouble doing it. I started to walk down the hall, trying to comprehend how any human being could do such things, when I ran into a friend of mine.

He asked me what was wrong, and we slowly walked up the stairs as I told him some of the things I had seen in the class. I remember my voice shook a bit as I related the material that had so disturbed me. When I stopped and looked up, I realized who I was talking to. My friend was Jewish.

As we talked, I couldn't shake the horrible feeling that had we lived just a few short decades earlier and in another place, those things could easily have happened to my friend. Suddenly, what had happened to those people became so real to me that I couldn't shake it. I still haven't. I remember praying silently, right on that stairwell, that if anything like that ever happened again, I could do something to make it stop.

It was a fleeting, impetuous teenage prayer, because I knew that surely things like that would never happen again. But the prayer was sincere.

I got older, but those two instances in my life always stayed with me.

I often wondered what I would have done, had I lived back then. It is so easy to judge the past, and the players in it. Too easy. We never know what people actually felt, what they went through. All we can know for sure is ourselves, and what we will do.

I think of that mother, trying to keep her daughter safe. I can completely understand why she told her what she did. She did not have the luxury of safety.

But we do.

There are wars everywhere. But in my opinion, the very worst of them are being ignored and swept under a rug. The war raging in the Democratic Republic of the Congo is the deadliest since World War II. It started not long after I stood in that stairwell in high school talking to my friend all those years ago. Since then, over 5.4 million people have died.

That's a September 11th every two and a half days.

And the worst part of it is that those who have died are the lucky ones. Those living in the Congo are living a life that is beyond our worst nightmares. It isn't the type of war we are used to...it isn't two armies squaring off and taking their best shots at each other. It is one side that has power, and they are terrorizing, raping, and torturing a helpless side. World War II was unimaginable. But this war is even worse. So much worse. I want to tell you why, but it is just so horrible, and today I want you to keep reading.

I guess today, I'm equivalent in some ways to the little kid at school with the forbidden pamphlet. A lot of times, those who see it or hear about it wish they hadn't. It's so much safer not to know. It's safer to sit back and wish someone would do something about it, and to just keep waiting for someone else to invade or take care of it somehow.

But safe from what? We don't have to be afraid, like they genuinely did, of Nazis kicking down our door and taking us away or shooting us in the street.

I've been called a conspiracy theorist and a few nasty things since I began to tell people about this. I have been the recipient of a lot of angry backlash. Mostly, people are angry at the guilt they feel.

I understand. That feeling comes from many different things...helplessness and guilt being very common.

But guess what? We aren't in Nazi Germany. We are not helpless or powerless to do something.

There are SO many things you could do. Today, just think about doing one?

Come help. Come feel what it feels like to stand up and do something. You won't be the same.

Come to Yoga for Congo Women. If you don't live here, it doesn't matter. You can join us online. What a world we live in...you can be somewhere you aren't! :)

YOU have the power to stand up and help! It may be safer to never talk or think about something horrible. But the power that comes when you actually try to help? I can't describe it. You can do it. :) "We are the ones we have been waiting for."

And who will join this standing up
and the ones who stood without sweet company
will sing and sing
back into the mountains and
if necessary
even under the sea:

we are the ones we have been waiting for.

-excerpt from "Poem for South African Women" by June Jordan

Weekending

2010-08-03T11:11:00.000-06:00

Weekends with family are so nice. :)

(a little yoga love with my sister...so nice) :)

Coming back

2010-07-29T12:27:00.000-06:00

These past few months have really been tough. They have been filled with self-doubt, and even peppered with self-loathing.

I've hated it.

But a desire to feel better and to be better has spurred me on. It's amazing that at a time when I am trying to finally step into myself, into who I am meant to be, I have hit my lowest. And it's been awful, but I have at least tried to refuse to stay there.

Nights have been filled with tearful conversations, over and over, with Matt. (Without whom, I would have to say, I would be nothing.) Days have been filled, again and again, with a prayerful attempt to go just one more step with a smile on my face.

And somehow, I can feel something changing inside me.

I am beginning to see a light ahead.

Today, during morning yoga time, my camera-happy daughter was having fun taking pictures of everything. :) She snapped a picture of me and when I saw it (excusing the lack of makeup that exists on my face 99% of the time...), I felt something deeper.

It was a look at myself from the outside, rather than the inner doubt and turmoil that I've been fighting through.

Pushing upward as strong as I can, and reaching for more...for light.

Determined.

Somehow, when I see this picture, "au naturale" as it may be, I feel hope. Like somehow, the woman in this picture will succeed, somehow, if she keeps reaching.

Have faith. Have faith in yourself, and in God. As hard as it has been, the past few months have been such a testament to His constancy. Each time I have hit a low point, someone...one of you, has been there. Somehow you knew to be there. I love you for it. Each of you have played some role.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-Marianne Williamson

We are all meant to shine...who are you not to? Have faith in yourself.

(And yes, sometimes we do yoga in a dress. Because that's the way we roll.) :)

Outside yourself

2010-07-24T15:53:00.002-06:00

I used to lie in bed at night as a little girl, crying about the injustices of the world. I used to range between terrible sorrow and burning anger. I felt helpless and powerless, and that used to make me very unhappy.

Those feelings stayed with me, particularly in the nights. I hated that I felt so sad about so many things and couldn't do anything about them.

But something changed a couple of years ago. I finally realized that the world is what we make of it, and that there is always something we can do.

We've all heard the Africa stories. They're shocking and surreal, and most of us don't really believe them, because believing them would hurt too much. It's easier to dismiss them as exaggerations or as cultural issues.

But something in me has changed, and I found I couldn't dismiss it any more. I realized that I couldn't change what had already happened, but maybe I could be a healing influence to someone who was hurting.

I am really shy by nature. I don't like to stand out, and I don't enjoy a great deal of attention. I was always embarrassed in gym class. I hated to run or do anything physical in front of other people.

But when I learned there was a Run for Congo Women in Colorado last fall, I decided to sign up. I worked as hard as I could. Every morning I woke up early and went out running in the thin mountain air, gasping and in pain, and embarrassed by all of the cars driving by. I thought I looked like an idiot. But I did it for them.

When I showed up for the run, I was sick to my stomach with nervousness. I had worked so hard to learn how to run for the first time in my life. But I was so out of my comfort zone. I mean, I was in Colorado, of all places. The healthiest, most running-est state in the country. How embarrassing!

Or so I thought.

Instead of being surrounded by people who I had imagined would judge me and think I ran funny, I was surrounded by other people who also loved the Congolese women. I was surrounded by people who cared. Some were amazing runners. Others were worse than me (if that was possible). But it didn't matter. What mattered was the fact that we all cared. We all hurt for the suffering women and children of the Congo. And we ran together to help them.

The love was amazing. And summoning up the courage to finally just run in front of other people for the first time since sixth grade?

Life changing.

I will never be the same.

Here's something I wrote that day:

It isn't easy to put yourself out there, to do something that is really hard for you. It isn't easy to keep going, when everything around seems to push you down. It isn't easy to keep climbing the rocky hills, but you have to if you ever want to get to the downward slopes. Helping other people is never going to be easy to do. But it is worth every single struggling step, because then you are becoming your best self, because you are living outside of yourself.

This year, I am planning Yoga for Congo Women. And if you think this is in my comfort zone.... It's not. It's been exhausting, and I have struggled through a humiliating lack of self-confidence and more self-doubt in the past few months than I have experienced in my entire life.

So why do it? Because I love them. Because I hurt for them. Because they should never have to go through what they are going through, and yet they still are. Because I want them to know that they are not alone, and they they are loved and worth something. Because what is happening to them is real, and they are real people. Because I believe in hope.

A lot of people I have talked to about coming to Yoga for Congo Women have expressed fear, anxiousness, or nervousness. It's not in their comfort zone, and they feel embarrassed, so they're apprehensive about registering. I just want to say that I do understand. I felt that way about running. I feel that way about leading the YFCW event.

But I also promise you that you will never be the same. Putting yourself out there for someone else is life changing. You won't walk out of there the same person.

So please, if you're in Colorado, and you've been nervous to come, just come. I understand how you feel. I won't be including any advanced poses or tricky stuff. Just come. Come change a life. Come save someone you love. Come step outside of yourself for one morning. Come be with other people who care. You'll be brave, and you'll never be the same again.

And I am thrilled to announce, that if you aren't in Colorado, you can participate online now, and for only $10! So anyone can participate in this event! So get registered, get some friends together, and change your life by saving another. I will be so proud of you, because I understand.

(I'm really excited to announce, also, that The Sleepy Time Gal interviewed me on her blog on Friday. She has been amazing in her inspiration, and has really taken up the battle cry for the women of the Congo. She is organizing some exciting giveaways for those who register for the event, so be watching her blog. I love her!)

Thanks for reading. I love you. Please think about joining me? I promise, you will never be the same. :)

At the end of the day

2010-07-22T12:38:00.002-06:00

A few days ago, an acquaintance of mine had "found out" I was homeschooling, and in her shock, she said, "Well that's crazy. It's just CRAZY." I smiled it off as I always do, knowing as I do that yes, it's crazy, wonderfully, wonderfully crazy to love every minute of being with my children all day. Visions of the grand things I dream of teaching them and doing for their lives flashed through my mind. I smiled a polite, yet self-confident smile.

Today, though, her words sting my ears. You see, today IS crazy. No matter what I clean, the kids are one step behind me (no wait, they're flanking me on every side!!) turning everything into an absolute disaster. One of them woke up literally screaming because she doesn't feel well. Her cries from the bathroom have pierced every moment of the day. Cereal was everywhere. A potty-training 2-year old wets everywhere just because she can today. The dishes are mounting and the laundry is multiplying like rabbits. And in between reading lessons and spelling time, constant (and I do mean constant) cries from the bathroom remind me to keep running back to my other child, trying to be patient and reassuring. In the meantime, I am trying to plan a large charity event in the fall that is taking an enormous amount of my time and thought (which I love), and trying to start a new venture in our lives at the same time (I'll tell you more about that at another time). But the new venture is incredibly time consuming, energy-draining, and demanding. I start piano lessons with the girls, and as I lead a lesson with doughy fingers (you see, I'm kneading pizza dough as we proceed), I mentally calculate all that is left to do as I finish preparing a dinner for 35 people by 5 pm. I think of the girls later sitting in a car for two hours with their daddy while I leave them to go to try to comfort and help women who are hurting. Meanwhile, I am trying to convince another child to make a decision that she has to make. Oh, how I would love to force her. But I can't. The wait time is agonizing on all of us, and is affecting us all negatively today.

I stop for one second and looked at the chaos around me. I had since stuck "sick" child in the bath and she keeps getting out and running naked and wet around the house. Helpful sisters dumped practically the entire toy box into the bath. Other children had transformed the school room into a type of camping ground with sheets and upended desks. I pass a mirror and see my wild hair and greasy face and wonder when the last time I had a shower was. And the baby wakes up...

I could go on. But really, I think you get the picture. Are you crying yet? I am. :)

As I paused, I wondered what in the world I am doing. What in the world I am teaching them. What they will have learned by the end of the day. I silently said what must have been the 50th prayer of the day.

And then, suddenly, a breakthrough. The child I was waiting on made a good choice. All by herself. Without me forcing her. And we celebrated. We danced and laughed in our messy house and cheered for a sister who did a good thing. We even broke out the otter pops.

As I ponder the rest of the day ahead of us, and the craziness it will probably (who I am kidding? I mean definitely) hold, and as the two-year-old drips colored sticky juice all over the floor, I think again about what they will have learned by the end of the day.

At the end of the day, I hope they learned to be strong women who make their own choices. I hope they learned that I do care, so much, about how they feel. I hope they learned to share what they have, no matter how little it is. I hope they learned to celebrate the little moments. I hope they learned to pray. I hope they learned that prayers are answered. I hope they learned to put their arms around someone who is hurting. I hope they learned to care about others and be compassionate. I hope they learned to try to help each other, and to use their imaginations. I hope they learned that life can be messy, and it's okay. I hope they learned to live.

I am crazy? Yep. But I wouldn't have it any other way. :)

Motherhood

2010-07-19T10:46:00.000-06:00

Many of you may not share my exact beliefs, but I do believe that Mothers are divine, and that they have help. They are doing the best work there is. :) So here's for you moms today. :)

Four Months

2010-07-15T14:55:00.000-06:00

I think the thing that amazes me most, ever since I became a mother, is how much faster time seems to go.

Equally amazing is how my entire heart can be stolen, again and again. :)

Can she really be four months old already?

I am so blessed.

Future

2010-07-13T14:02:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I look at my babies and wonder what the future will hold for them. That can be a scary enough thought for any mom.

There is plenty of fear and negativity to go around, and I feel sick at times thinking about it. As they get older, they have to stare it in the face more and more. I hate that. But I know it's something we all have to face, every day. I wish it didn't have to be so, for their sakes.

One of my daughters had a difficult experience this week. She's barely seven. And yet there are already so many negative things to battle. It is amazing how a mother can tell you every day of your life that you are beautiful and lovely, and all it takes is one peer to bring doubt to your mind.

So on Saturday, we found a skirt of mine that she's always loved and wanted to wear, and we worked together to make her a new dress out of it. The experience was special and unique, as is the new dress. She felt lovely and wonderful again, and so did I. :)

(And hey, I even remembered that I can sew.)

I think that's why we're all here in families, and not alone. Families ground us to truth and goodness, if we work to make them that way. Families make the future one of hope and brightness.

Answers

2010-07-10T11:19:00.001-06:00

I've been praying a lot. I always want to be better and to do more with myself and my life. It seems that lately, though, the more I pray to be better, the harder and harder things become. This week, everything has just mounted, almost to a point where I have felt completely sad and overwhelmed. (Almost.)

But this morning, interestingly, as I was once again praying, for the same good things to do and be, a light came on in my mind. Could it be that the majority of the challenges I have been facing have been a direct answer to the prayers I have expressed?

Some might argue that an increase of challenges in the face of fervent prayer is direct proof that there is nothing out there.

I disagree. It seems that, in my life, the challenges are the proof that there is Someone there, and that He cares about who I want to be and about helping me.

So, I'll keep trying to get through it. In the meantime, though, there is her:

A miracle in my life, in every sense of the word. She is pure light and love in our home. To think that without a very divine hand, I would never have had her.

She is a quiet and profound reminder, each time I hold her, that I am loved, and that there is so much more to it all than I can see in the moment.

I can't look in those deep, perfect eyes without seeing evidence of the Divine. Without knowing that there is help and happiness ahead. Without feeling that I am loved beyond comprehension.

I can just see in her eyes that there is more to life than I what I can see right now.

And that's reason enough to keep trying. :)

My little Loves

2010-07-05T14:13:00.001-06:00

Blessed am I.

Summer

2010-07-03T21:00:00.000-06:00

Summer means friends.

Summer means Kool-aid mustaches.

Summer means water balloons. (All the better with friends.)

(This summer means I have my first thumb sucker out of five children...)

Today we spent the afternoon saying good-bye to some really great friends. I may have cried a few tears tonight. Sometimes, people come into your life just when you need them. I will miss them. :)

The test of a true friend

2010-06-29T12:53:00.000-06:00

A true friend listens when you are in pain. :) A true, true friend, will also provide a darling son who entertains your many daughters with thrilling new games, such as "spray the hose."

Further, a true friend will have recently dug up trees from her yard, just in time for your daughters to turn an exciting game of "spray the hose" into a new game, entitled "let's make a mud hole."

The true, dear friend will then allow your children to get INTO that mud hole.

But the true, iron-clad test of a true friend? She will chase your children, playing "spray the hose" with them again, trying to remove the remnants of the mud hole. All while in white linen pants. She will then allow your children (who are literally mud up to their armpits) to enter her house, and even her lovely garden tub.

Blessed am I this week, for a true friend. :)

Eight Years

2010-06-23T13:18:00.000-06:00

Eight years ago yesterday, I married the Love of my life. This week has hardly been what most would consider a romantic anniversary week. :) Many events have transpired, several of them less-than-pleasant. But in the moments before I fell asleep last night, as I nestled close to Matt I realized with a smile that the "unpleasantness" of the week has given our Love a chance to shine more than ever. I have felt more loved than ever by a husband who is kind and compassionate, patient and understanding.

We are One. We are joyful. We are together. And regardless of where life has brought us, we have always arrived together. I wish there were better words to express the absolute, adoring Love I have for him.

I wake up every day so glad to be next to him. I feel like part of myself leaves when he goes to work. I feel whole when he comes home. When I lie down next to him at night, I feel pure joy. I truly cannot wait to live out my life, and an eternity beyond it, with him.

If all women could have a Love like this, what a different world it would be.

Blessed am I among women, and I know it. :)

Happy Father's Day

2010-06-20T08:40:00.000-06:00

I usually sit up the night before Father's Day making a video tribute to Matt. It didn't happen this year...but we had a busy and lovely day yesterday. It was a good day for taking a break from everything else.

We went on an "adventure," as one daughter called it, or in other words, a bike ride. :) Seven people, five of them little, on a bike ride, is indeed an adventure. It was a very fun one. As I brought up the rear with the baby in the trailer, I looked ahead at Matt, pulling another trailer and leading our family cheerfully down the road, and I felt truly blessed to have a husband who leads our family with hope and happiness.

I love him for so many reasons, but I think one of the greatest reasons is that he encourages us to look up, to look onward, and to have faith in the future. He helps us all be better than we were yesterday, and he helps us all feel the peace that everything will be alright.

Happy Father's Day. :)

Comfort

2010-06-18T16:40:00.000-06:00

The past three months have been challenging ones for various reasons. Some of the challenges I have shared here, and others I haven't. And though my challenges are so light in comparison to many others', they have been hard at times, nonetheless.

But incredibly, through each challenge, there is this child. Holding her is true comfort for me. Holding her brings me unspeakable peace.

It's like she was sent to be with us just at this time. She is just the spirit I needed in my life. Somehow, the look in her eyes tells me everything will be alright.

I think each of my children has done that for me at the various points they have entered my life.

What have you been given? What is the blessing you have, in spite of challenges, that helps you look above and beyond them? I believe we each have something, for I believe we are each loved.

Thank You

2010-06-16T19:58:00.002-06:00

Matt is finally home. He's been gone, gone to funerals, gone to help.

I don't think there's any joy comparable to a daddy coming home.

Our friend died Sunday night, after a week in critical condition. So for his little boy, he had the joy of a dad coming home. But his little girl is still here, and whatever relief it may be that our friend won't suffer, his little girl has still lost all of her family, and that is suffering aplenty, so please say a prayer for her. I know how our little girls would feel if they lost their daddy.

It has been a hard and interesting week.

A week of perspective.

Once Matt was gone, I found myself in the midst of my own little set of trials, which he could not help me with. I have been struggling with dental issues ever since I had the baby, and it has been very painful. It is very challenging to take care of five kids while in so much pain. But I felt like it was a trial that helped me keep perspective, as I would talk to Matt at night and hear of the total devastation that so many had suffered back home in Ohio. My trial, though painful, was small. (And to my several kind friends who called me to check in, so sorry for not answering. My mouth just hurt so badly. But I love you and loved you calling!) :)

I am so grateful for perspective.

Life just doesn't feel the same now. And it's not necessarily because our friends are gone, but because of all the things that matter more than ever before. We've always been a strong, close family, but it is a different family now.

Stronger and closer, somehow. And with distaste for the things that just don't matter. And with an insatiable desire for more of what DOES.

I have been thinking about experiences this week with these friends who have passed on. I have been thinking about Matt and his experiences this week, being able to help people he doesn't know, but who have lost a tremendous amount. I have been thinking about our lives, and the people that pass through them, and how every experience with them, positive and negative, are all opportunities to grow and become better. Perhaps that's one reason forgiveness and kindness are so important and vital to true happiness.

This week, my parents passed through town on their way to a trip they have planned for a long time, but they delayed their trip to help me since I was in so much pain. Matt went home to mourn with friends, but was able to put tangible effort and a great amount of work towards helping others who have lost SO much.

Sometimes, the answer to pain is to go out and to give what you have to helping others who are hurting. Other times, it just might be letting go and allowing others to help you.

As I looked through photos this week of the destruction so many people have endured, I have been touched and influenced by their profound gratitude for those who are helping them.

Tonight, especially now that I have Matt back, and as I am humbled by the mercy and blessings in our lives, I just want to be thankful.

Take a minute this evening, and just say "Thank You" for all that you have.

Life

2010-06-10T13:10:00.000-06:00

I don't really know how to describe this past week.

Lots of sadness. Lots of praying. Lots of quiet moments of gratitude.

Lots of reevaluating.

I feel like we were already reevaluating everything in our lives before this happened, but this week has only intensified those feelings and those evaluations.

This week has brought moments of reflection. More than that. Pause.

Moments where I feel like I am pressing "pause" on life, and watching that moment happen.

I think we should do that more often.

Matt is going back to Ohio tomorrow, to be with friends. I will miss him, and I think I will miss him more because of the new, humbled, changed person I am inside. That new person still feels a little raw inside. But it is a good change. I thought before this week that I already loved him more than was possible. I love him more now than I ever did. Kisses mean more. We hold each other tighter at night.

Today there was a commotion in the kitchen. You know those old movies where ladies somehow didn't know how to use a dishwasher or a washing machine, and soap bubbles came pouring out, making a monumental mess?

I thought that wasn't actually, truly possible. :) Turns out, it is.

I've been learning to make soap by hand. It's been a wonderful life experience, and something so basic that has reconnected me and helped me this week. I'll write more about why I'm making soap later, but Matt and I have turned out several lovely batches now.

I've been really good about cleaning it up the right way. But today, there were just a few "test" containers I had used that I didn't clean out totally before putting them in the dishwasher. They had just a little bit of soap in them that had set up after I took the bars out to cure. I figured it wasn't much soap, and would only help the dishes.

These pictures only show the very beginning of the total eruption. :)

When it first started, the girls anxiously called to me. I could see from my oldest's face that she was a little worried about how I might react. After absorbing what I had done for just a second, I burst out laughing. It was such a release. After these pictures, soap erupted and it was everywhere, and it was a bugger to clean, but it was so "cleansing," ha ha. :)

I think that this week has taught me many, many things. Many things have been reaffirmed about what actually matters in life. And it has also taught me not to care so much about the things that just don't.

Life is full of moments...wonderful ones, and very, very hard ones. There will be many of both.

Hopefully, the moments that make us cry help us to love and laugh even harder during the other times.

(PS - If you ever chance to sample one of my soaps in the future, I can promise you after today that they have EXCELLENT lather, and that they smell divine. And they clean skin, floors, and dishes. And to any other moms that accidentally do this someday...I figured out how to get it out.) :)

Little moments

2010-06-08T09:52:00.001-06:00

The past few days have been so humbling and have given us many reasons to pause, reflect, mourn, and also be grateful for what we have. This picture shows what used to be the home of our friends. It has been a stark and vivid reminder of what truly matters.

It has made little moments like this one so much more meaningful.

What are you rushing to accomplish today? What are you stressed about? What are you spending your time on?

Does it really matter?

Hug your wee ones today. Call an old friend. Forgive. Love something, someone, today. That's what matters.

Love your families.

2010-06-06T16:54:00.004-06:00

Today started out like any normal Sunday morning...the sun shone through the blinds, the alarm went off, I snuggled closer to Matt after he shut it off. I saw the news, and learned there had been a series of tornadoes that had hit Ohio, where we lived before moving to Colorado. I told Matt we should call his parents. Later, we started to get ready. I had forgotten the laundry, learned the dryer was broken, and scrambled to find new clothes and put five little bodies into them while struggling to figure out what else I might wear. I mentally tried to get ready for the day and for all that I was planning to do. The morning went on, and all of the little things piled up.

We nevertheless made it to church, and not two minutes after arriving, we got a phone call.

We learned that a tornado had hit the home of some friends. The mother and their son are dead, and the father is in critical condition in the ICU with very severe head injuries, and it is unclear if he is going to make it. Their daughter is also hospitalized.

It's been a difficult day, as we have mourned for this young family. It's been a humbling day. Life can change in an instant. All of the little things that seem so important just really don't matter.

Forgive people when you should. Love your families.

Oh, love your families. Hug them all and remember what really matters.

Meet my sister

2010-05-31T11:48:00.001-06:00

Some of you may have wondered why I'm doing this Congo event at all, why I care about it all so much.

She, and thousands like her, are the reason why.

She's only 18. And yet she's seen more in her very short life than most of us will see if we lived a hundred lifetimes. And she's very much a real, breathing, feeling person.

“Compassion is sometimes the fatal capacity for feeling what it is like to live inside somebody else's skin. It is the knowledge that there can never really be any peace and joy for me until there is peace and joy finally for you too.”
Frederick Buechner

Seven years old!

2010-05-29T23:40:00.000-06:00

Unbelievable.

Seven years ago, I became a mother for the first time.

Our first born has brought us so much joy, and has taught us so much, ever since she came.

She has been remarkably patient and forgiving, as we have had to learn to be parents.

I loved these gifts from Grandmas:

Grandma R. remembered how much she loves to find the almonds in her cereal, and made a special gift of almonds! The birthday girl was so tickled someone noticed!

Grandma I. knows how much she loves to help with the cooking, and gave her a cook book of her very own. How BIG can we get? :)

Scooting happily away. :)

And a real party, with real friends, topped it off. :)

Happy Birthday, sweet pea. :) Thank you for being willing to be the oldest child, a very hard job, indeed. :) I don't know what we'd ever do without you!

We love you!

Storms and Honesty

2010-05-28T02:18:00.003-06:00

It's late. And I'm tired. But my mind is full.

I have been amazed lately at the total, raw honesty on one of my friend's blogs lately. (I bet you know who you are. :) ) She's totally exposed herself, her insecurities, her fears, her frustrations. She's made me think a lot. And she's made me feel so much better. She's incredible, and yet so human. It's made me feel like it's more okay to be as human as I am.

So maybe it's just because it's late. Or maybe it's because I spent an evening with incredible women and their heart-wrenching honesty tonight and realized yet again how much we need each other.

But I'm going to be really honest.

I've really had a hard time lately. A really hard time. I've really struggled with bouts of depression, but it's been different than what you might think. Yes, I know my hormones are realigning themselves right now, but it's been more.

Soul-wrenching questions about myself. Doubts of my abilities, far greater than I have ever experienced. Sadness about everything I am attempting. Fear of total, ridiculous failure. Fear of really being nothing after all.

Ever since I announced our Congo event taking place in the fall, I have undergone a furious storm of criticism and doubt, both external and internal. It has caused me to question everything I ever thought I was or thought I could do. I have tried so hard to stay positive, to keep pushing my head back up, but it has been so. very. hard.

I've been trying to "fake it till I make it."

"But what if I never make it?" says the incessant voice inside of me.

Thank goodness I have had a sweet baby to hold, and a kind husband to hold me. Truly, gifts of God.

It has been an interesting time. I have truly felt caught inside an agonizing storm. But as much as it has been a painful time, it has probably been one of the most incredible times of my life, as well. Enlightenment, inspiration, and life-altering guidance have burst upon my mind. Love has abounded in my life. My family is so happy, patient, and full of goodness. Friends have been there for me in a way I have never had before. And my own heart has changed. But something is constantly trying to squash all of that goodness.

So I feel that one minute, I am crushed beyond reason, and the next, I remember all that I have, and I am soaring. It is a constant up and down.

It's been exhausting.

All week, I have been feeling unwell, and it's made it that much harder to keep trying. I've been praying a lot for help, and I know I've had a lot of help. But yesterday found me tearfully, desperately pleading for help. And in the middle of it all, rain pounded the house and tornado sirens started wailing.

How appropriate, I thought.

(No, I didn't take that picture, fyi)

At first, I watched the storm numbly.

But then something happened to me during that storm. Something special and so very personal.

A reminder, even during this huge storm in my life, of who I really am. A reminder that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or feels or says about me. Because that isn't who I am. I remembered to listen to the One person who does know who I really am.

This morning, when I went outside, after storm after storm raged yesterday, the world was new. The air was clean, bright, and so very sweet. I felt the same in my heart.

And tonight, as I spent time with women who were truly hurting, I remembered the real me. I listened, loved, and hopefully helped. Regardless of what anyone else says, or thinks, the real me is someone who wants to do those quiet things. Because they are what matter.

I feel again like the world just might need me.

And I don't say that in a boastful way. Believe me, not after how I've felt. It's all I can do to write it at all. I say it, because if I, small, insignificant ME, can feel and know that somehow, the world needs me, like I have a true purpose, then maybe, just maybe, someone out there will read this and know

the world needs you, too.

You're worth something. You're good. You're special. You have a place and a purpose.

You're needed.

So hang in there with me. Don't give in. Because there are storms to weather, and I know we'll both be weathering many, many more.

But was anything worth doing EVER easy?

No.

But always, always worth the storm, to see the beautiful, clean morning. "Cast not away therefore your confidence."

Inspiration

2010-05-24T11:30:00.001-06:00

This past week has been amazing. I won't say much about it now, other than to say that

inspiration comes best when you are on the move.

This past week it feels as though it has come while we have been trying, moving, actively seeking ways to change and help. It's been amazing.

A lovely week

2010-05-23T23:30:00.000-06:00

It's a miracle

2010-05-19T13:42:00.003-06:00

This morning, my head was swimming. I was thrilled with the news that a popular Denver studio was considering sponsoring Yoga for Congo Women. I was excited and terrified all at once about a late-night chat and a possible grand new adventure down the road. I was depressed that most people do not want to be bothered hearing about Africa, yet so happy that last night, I found a friend who truly did care. And I was floored, infuriated, and dumbfounded at a large and influential company who outwardly supports a bill that would help to end the violence in the Congo, and yet quietly lobbies to gut that bill, when implementing it, as is, would cost them a mere penny per product. I was further angered when the same company began deleting the comments of concerned people, and then blocking comments altogether. On top of that, I was overwhelmed by the dishes in the sink that I didn't do last night, and by a big school day ahead of us.

My head spun and I couldn't focus well on any one thing.

But then one of my girls came in the room and pressed her nose up to the window.

"Mom! It's so sunny! Look at that sun! It's a miracle!"

(This after a very stormy night.)

Yes, wee one. It is a miracle.

My head stopped spinning, and my heart lifted. And we went on with the day.

My children ground me. They teach me the simplest, and yet the most profound truths. In the whirlwinds and storms in our lives, the sun does peek through.

And it's a miracle, every time.

Purity

2010-05-17T13:56:00.003-06:00

Lately I have been struggling. For weeks I have fought a heartache and terrible feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. I have been fighting it, and some days have been better than others. I have had illuminating moments, followed by ever darker moments. I keep pressing toward the lighter ones. But life seems to be a constant battle for the light.

Today has been hard. I've been praying for help. Not much has eased the painful feelings. But then, my daughters came in from playing outside. One of them, trying to look nonchalant, came in like this:

She announced that she is now a farmer. Her little imagination and sweetness made me laugh. It made me smile. It lifted my heart. :)

At night lately, I sometimes struggle. My mind fills with negative thoughts and doubts about my abilities and my place in the world. But inevitably at times like that, this little one wakes up, and I snuggle her warm and tight next to me. And instantly, her pure spirit soothes my soul, and my mind rests and trusts again.

How do your children ease your heartache? What blessings they are. In all of the work, toil, and tears they can bring, they are the light of our lives.

Two months

2010-05-15T19:06:00.003-06:00

How can two months go by so quickly?

How is it that despite hormonal imbalances, fears of the future, and terrible feelings of inadequacy, this tiny being, only two months old, is the balm to my soul and comfort in each day?

How is it that each child that comes, in spite of all of the difficulty life may bring, is the exact child, the exact spirit you needed at that time in your life?

How is it that I, I who am so imperfect, so small, so lacking in so many areas,
am
so
blessed?

I am the mother of daughters.
Blessed am I.

All she wants for Christmas...

2010-05-14T12:43:00.001-06:00

Love this little wink. ;) What a cutie.

People who make me smile

2010-05-11T21:50:00.001-06:00

To my mom

2010-05-09T15:54:00.003-06:00

"I'm the girl who learned to love

from watching you."

-Lucy Kaplansky

I love you, mom.

To my little women

2010-05-09T00:37:00.003-06:00

With Mother's Day here this weekend, I find myself thinking again and again of Anne Campbell's beautiful words:

You are the trip I did not take.
You are the pearls I cannot buy.
You are my blue Italian lake.
You are my piece of foreign sky.
- Anne Campbell

I'm not much of a traveler, though, but today, as we were out in the sunshine enjoying the beauty of the lake, I thought up my own little words for my girls:

You are the naps I do not take.
You are the snuggles in my night.
You are my sunshine everyday.
You are the Loves of my life.

A perfect day, with a perfect ending...

...someone lost her 4th tooth. :)

I Love you, my little ones. Thank you for making me a mother!

A day of blessings

2010-05-04T19:05:00.010-06:00

Sunday was lovely. It was a day to celebrate miracles.

This little girl is truly one of the greatest miracles of my life.

The story of how she came to be with us is special, sacred.

Too special even to share here. She is truly a miracle.

I will be grateful for that miracle all my days.

Sunday, she was blessed and celebrated, and it was a chance for me to sit back and remember "how merciful the Lord hath been."

It was also a chance to remember others who have filled my life with love and blessed me profoundly.

I was blessed with two wonderful Grandmothers, but I was extra-blessed, because I have two great-aunts who I love like Grandmothers, and who have influenced me and filled my life with love.

This is me as a child with one of them:

Here they are together, as they always were:

My daughter is now named after one of them. I think of my aunt each time I hold her, and it makes me smile. She was always full of love, kindness, and warmth. I am comforted to know that my daughter will carry a name with her that will be a lesson to her in love. From the minute I knew my child would be a girl, I knew she would be named for this aunt.

My baby was also wrapped in a special blanket, made long ago for me when I was a baby, by my Grandma, a woman I love dearer than almost anyone I have ever known.

My Grandmother's name will be her middle name.

I am so happy that she will carry the names of two such marvelous women. Two women who have meant the world to me. Two women who were strong and courageous, yet gentle and kind. Two women who are full of love, compassion, and goodness. Two women who changed the world around them for the better.

Just what I hope my daughter will be.

I Love my family.

It was also a day full of extra blessings, as Mom and Dad R were able to be with us, along with the much-beloved Mark. :) We love you!

Blessed am I.

4 years old

2010-05-03T09:56:00.000-06:00

Amazing that this sweet girl is already four! I am always astonished at the ever more rapid passage of time. She brings a light and a joy to our family that I cannot imagine being without. She is so kind and tender-hearted, and is a constant reminder to me of perspective and taking time to pay attention.

I love her so very much, and I feel that she is a miracle in my life. She is a reminder to me of lessons learned and of faith. I am so grateful for her.

This birthday was made even more special, as Grandma and Grandpa R. were here, along with cousin Mark. More on that soon!

Happy Birthday, sweet little four-year-old. I love you more than I can say, and I am grateful for you each and every day, ever since the day you came. :)

Novelty

2010-04-30T10:00:00.005-06:00

Will the novelty ever wear off?

I hope not. :)

Is there anything sweeter...

2010-04-29T12:26:00.001-06:00

...than cool spring nights, looking up at the stars coming out?

Or allergen-laden blossoms?

Or playing at the park with your sisters on a breezy spring day?

Or being safely bundled under the blankets?

Don't think so. :)

Yoga for Congo Women

2010-04-23T11:07:00.010-06:00

For months, I know I've been mentioning a project that Matt and I have been working on. I'm finally ready to announce it! This project is dear to my heart, and it would mean a great deal to me if you would take a few moments to learn more about it, and to pass the word on to anyone who may be interested.

It's so easy to feel discouraged, dark, and weighed down upon hearing the horrific stories of these women. I think that is because of the feeling of helplessness we may have. It is common to feel anger or despair at knowing the stories, as there is nothing that can be done about them. My hope is to help as many people as possible move beyond that feeling of helplessness, and into empowerment, realizing that there is something that can be done to help.

This September, we will be holding the first annual Yoga for Congo Women, to benefit Congolese women through Women for Women International's Congo Program. This is a program I believe fervently in, and I truly believe it can and will save their lives, and the lives of their children.

If you're in Colorado, consider registering! I'd love to see you there! Please spread the word to anyone you think may be interested. Donations are very welcome, and can be made here.

Dancing in the rain

2010-04-22T13:01:00.000-06:00

This morning, was gray, quiet, and rainy. Matt and I got up earlier to do yoga together. It ended sooner than expected with us slow dancing together in the loft. :) The rain falling outside reminded me of the night we got engaged. It was raining, and I remember lying on the grass together, looking up at the stars through the breaks in the clouds, talking about our future.

That future is one neither of us could have imagined, but which has included the high points, like dancing in the morning together, and the low points, like coming downstairs afterward to crying children and a massive mess that you wonder why you didn't clean up last night (oh yeah, you were exhausted...).

A line from a song this morning keeps playing over and over in my mind. Something about being so afraid to die that we never lived. I'm not afraid of death at all, but maybe of the hard things. There are those moments, when you're trying to listen to three very persistent girls at once, and you are potty training another that wants to do nothing but pee on the floor and cry, and a new baby is colicky and needs to be heard. Those moments when there is so much mess from making a cake together, then eating it, the night before, that you can't imagine how you'll take care of everything and clean it up. And when you wonder why bother cleaning it or potty training or even taking a shower, because it will all get messy again. And then you become overwhelmed by schooling your children and all of the better things you want to do with them, but the mundane math problems take so much time. Those moments, when you'd rather stay in the little hole, the little rut you are currently in.

And the tears start and I close my eyes.

Sigh.

But then, I remember dancing in the morning. I remember lying on the grass in the rain. And I open my eyes, and see a husband who is very late to work, but who is nevertheless holding a baby while pouring cereal for the girls, and I see my oldest sweeping up cake crumbs without being asked. I sit down to breakfast and try to keep breathing, and then my three year old asks if I'll read to them.

And somehow, seeing how others love me, even in my imperfections, and taking that one step to read, just one step, makes all the difference. And we live again.

Actual size

2010-04-20T15:07:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I wanted to give the family a treat, so I bought some cones and ice cream. I had seen that this little box held sixty cones, and wondered how they fit them all in there...what economy of packaging, I thought!

I didn't know you could buy such a tiny little ice cream cone. These pictures from my phone don't do the tiny-ness justice. I let the kids have two cones. They were so excited...maybe I'll mini-size more often.

I shall not divulge how many cones I ate, however.

Sunshine

2010-04-15T15:51:00.002-06:00

(This picture cracks me up.)

Today has been full of unexpected sunshine. :) Like this girl, who I found changing a diaper for me, so that I wouldn't have to. What a sweetheart.

And like this little one, who is one month old today! I cannot believe that. Before I know it, she'll be digging up worms in the backyard and riding a bike.

Like making volcanoes, just for fun.

Or like this woman, my friend Jen, who I have met only once in a delirious state after a run. :) I just have to say, she is a constant inspiration. She is a bright, bold, courageous woman, who loves her family and loves other people. She is an incredible mother, and an incredible activist. She is in charge of the Run for Congo Women in Colorado...she cared so much about the cause that she started it without even being a runner! Her efforts have changed and inspired my life immeasurably, and given me courage to pursue my own ideas, daunting as they may seem. I also love her because I feel like she is one of the very few women who truly understands and feels the same weight that I feel about what is happening to women in the Congo. So, was I ever surprised to be featured on her blog today, with a Sunshine award.

In return, I'll post links to some of the blogs that uplift and inspire me. Though I'm not great at figuring it out, I love the benefits of technology. Blogging and the internet can definitely fill the world with plenty of unpleasant things, but it can also be used to reach out, uplift, and inspire. And I am grateful for those who do, because we moms need each other. :)

The Sleepy Time Gal
The Evolving Homemaker
Rare Books and Fishing Tackle
The Pioneer Woman
A Thousand Sisters
Women for Women Get Involved Blog
Enjoying the Small Things
Savory Seasonings
The Malleable Maze
Oopsey Daisy
Four Little Women
Tipping Bucket

What I've been carrying around...

2010-04-13T16:18:00.004-06:00

There has been a lot on my mind lately. I have been working on a project of mine in every spare moment I have...i.e., when all 5 children are sleeping. Those moments are rare, so my work must occur at a rapid pace. (Yes, I know I've been discussing said project here and there...I promise to actually talk about it soon.)

So I'm tired. But adding to that tiredness is a monumental heartsickness that I grapple with almost constantly, and which I am constantly trying to figure out how to deal with. There are so many things I care about, and things I am trying to do something about, and the gruesome injustices and fears of the world weigh on my mind.

I go through such a flux of emotions. I hold my dear, precious baby, and I feel such joy and such pain all at once. I feel such gratitude, and such guilt. It's hard to explain. I ache for the women who suffer. For the women who have such pain, all over the world, in all walks of life. I have so much, and at times, it seems so unfair. And no, I need no helpful comments telling me it's not my fault. I know that. But I still ache.

At times, I rise up on wings of gladness and hope, feeling like I can help. Then self-doubt would have me crash. The ebb and flow is constant some days, and it's exhausting. Working on this project makes it come ever stronger, and more violently. I constantly fight the "Who do you think you are?" feelings.

Well, as Matt would remind me, I'm a woman, a daughter of God. One who cares about other daughters, and who will try to help.

I saw this today, and it lifted me. Women who carry such burdens, who can still laugh and find joy. I found the burdens they carried to be so symbolic of their burdens in life. If they can keep smiling and laughing, surely I can, too, as I try to help.

And truly, this child is a gift, one of my greatest. They all are. How could I ever hold them and not be comforted?

All good things...

2010-04-09T14:27:00.000-06:00

...must come to an end.

So long, old cast.
You've taught us a lot, but I don't think we'll miss you much. :)

Lost and Found

2010-04-07T15:27:00.001-06:00

Missing:

One pregnant belly.

Makeup on my face.

Motivation of any kind to start doing yoga again.

Found:

One perfect, healthy, sweet baby.

One very sore and bruised belly from the shots.

One mind full of thoughts and concerns about the many things I care about and want to change.

That empty, lonely feeling inside that comes post-delivery when there is no more baby in there.

One body that seems not to trust me any more.

25 extra pounds.

Oy. That brings us back to the final "missing" item.

This has been a remarkable recovery time, for which I am so grateful. Everything has been so blessed this time around, in spite of challenges. Emotionally, I think I'm doing better than I ever have post-delivery, and I am so thankful for that.

But alas. My body and I are not getting along so well. It seems my body, mind, and heart have all been going in different directions.

For three weeks now, we've been at odds with each other.

It all started that fateful Sunday afternoon three weeks ago. I had been up most of the night with a sick two year old, and I was tired. So when my contractions became harder and harder, my body cried out, but my mind said, "No, it's not really happening yet...you're too tired today. Besides, you have no one to watch the other little ones today. Wait a few days."

And with that, though my heart knew that whatever would come would be alright somehow, my mind told my body to be quiet and forced it to lie down.

For hours, my mind and my body fought, with my heart in between. My body moaned, but my mind willed that the baby would not come yet, not until the time was better.

Poor Matt pleaded. My mind said no. (So stubborn, goodness sakes.)

My mind, for the love of my other children, and out of pure and complete exhaustion, just could not accept that the time had come. (Not that I wasn't aching to have my baby. I just didn't know what I would do with my girls, particularly my sick one, that day.) Somehow, Matt got me to go, and found a kind friend to watch the girls for us, for which I am so thankful.

The birth was a bit difficult, but we were so tremendously blessed and our little one arrived safely. My heart and mind rejoiced.

My body began its recovery, but it has struggled to realign itself with my heart and mind. For someone like me, that has been a true challenge. I have felt at odds with my body, and I have felt like we don't exactly trust each other right now. For me, that has brought a sadness.

Hence the lack of motivation to step back into my yoga.

Of necessity, in steps my bossy mind.

Today, knowing full well that I just needed to take a step, my mind forced my body to at least try again. I donned the Gaiam socks from Matt...I needed all the encouragement I could get.

Breath started to flow again, and after a few minutes, I tried my first post-pregnancy child's pose. Sigh...the surrender. I sank. The comfort. Dared I try downward dog? Still a bit uncertain. Upward dog? It's been so very long. Oh, my back cried Hallelujah! And my mind started to flow once again with ideas of how to help and change and do the things I need to do in my life...the ideas that come when my whole self is in tune.

Can my body and I learn to trust each other again? I think so. It's harder when I'm self-conscious about my post-pregnancy body. We've all felt that way, I know.

But I think we'll get there. I know we will.

So I think the point of this very long entry is this: Sometimes, for whatever reason, we become disjunct, disconnected from a good and important part of ourselves or our lives, be it through mistakes, bad choices, or happenstance. And there are things we know we need to do to make it right, to make ourselves whole again. Those things will never be easy to do, but if we just take that first step, the next one will come, and the next, and peace and trust can reenter our lives.

PS - I caught the tail-end of a little smile that this sweet one gave her sister today. :) Hope abounds.
PPS - To the dear friends who have called, I promise I'm not dead, and I promise to call back soon. I have been napping and reading to little ones, and beyond that, just taking it a day at a time. I love you. :)

Supermom?

2010-04-07T00:09:00.000-06:00

Often, people like to make little comments to me when they see me with the girls. The other day, someone saw us all and said, "Wow! You're a Supermom!"

Supermom?

Well, I must admit, it was flattering, as I am used to usually hearing, or at least seeing, "Crazy mom" written all over their faces. :)

But I must confess... I'm not a supermom. I'm really, really, really far from it, I wanted to say. I get grumpy sometimes. I lose my temper sometimes. I cry sometimes. I get tired someti... all the time. And my kids? I think they're perfect, but truly, they're not...they're human, too. Sometimes they get tired and grumpy, too. Sometimes, they don't like to do schoolwork. Sometimes they struggle, just as anyone else's kids do.

Example? Here's a confession. My two year old still really struggles with going to sleep. Really struggles. By now, all of my others could easily go to sleep fine on their own. But this little one doesn't do it so well. I have never been able to let them cry it out...I'm a big softy. She and I have always had a very deep bond, from the moment she arrived. It is harder for both of us, she and I, to separate. So, Matt or I sit next to her. Sometimes, it's not too long, but sometimes, it takes a very long time.

Now, personal judgments that any of you may have on the subject aside, let's all admit that this could be a challenge. And tonight, as I sat next to that sweet, funny little girl, rocking a baby in my arms and listening to my other girls breathe, I felt like a very very un-super mom. "We ought to be past this by now," I told myself. I felt down about my parenting skills and began to think of all of the other un-super things I had done today. I thought with envy of my beautiful friends, most of whom I consider "Supermoms," who tuck their little ones in and leave the room, with no peeps and no trouble.

But, as the evening ticked on and quiet settled on the house, that sweet two-year-old reached for my hand, and somehow, quiet settled on my mind, too.

I found myself being grateful for these moments, these quiet moments in the dark, just listening to my girls breathe. I find that when I can stop beating myself up, these moments can be the calmest, sweetest moments of my day. They give me a chance to feel nothing but love, calm, and quiet, if I let myself sit there in the right frame of mind. They give me a chance to talk to my Father, to commit to do better, and to count my many, many blessings.

So I may not ever be a Supermom. But I wouldn't trade my life for anything.

Real life

2010-04-05T14:58:00.000-06:00

This past weekend was so nice. Easter was wonderful to enjoy as a family, and Conference was so uplifting and so filled with hope. (In our religion, we have a General Conference twice a year, which nearly all members worldwide are able to listen to. It is a chance to hear and learn from the leaders of the church, who we believe are modern-day Prophets and Apostles on the earth, just as Christ had in His church.)

Today, "real life" starts back up. At the end of Conference, or at the end of any wonderful event, I always feel so uplifted and full of joy in the possibilities of the future. But then, inevitably, real life begins again, as it always must. The brief reprieve is over, and the ride must continue.

"As we listen to the messages in this Conference, we will be touched in our hearts, and make resolutions and commitments to do better. But on Monday morning, we will return to work, school, neighborhoods, and a world that in many cases is in turmoil." - Elder Quentin L. Cook, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

I find myself struggling today, as I always do, to hold onto those commitments and changes in my heart. Real life is so much less glamorous and so much more difficult than quiet, removed moments.

But thank goodness for those quiet, removed moments. They offer the opportunities for reflection that inspire us to change and to hope.

And I want to change, to be a better mother. The world is in turmoil. But if I keep trying to be better, my family and I can make it a better place.

Easter Thoughts

2010-04-04T17:56:00.002-06:00

As I stand here in the kitchen, preparing Easter dinner for my family, and reflecting on the remarkable and uplifting Conference we've been able to watch this weekend, my thoughts are humbled. I am amazed, constantly, at the complete love of Christ, our Savior.

I want to take a moment to say that I know that He is the Son of God. I know He was sent to show us the way, and to make it possible for us to return to live again with our Father. I know that it is because of Him that I have my life, and I know that He has suffered everything, so that I can be forgiven, and so that I can be comforted. I know that because of Him, our family can be together forever.

I am forever grateful and full of love this Easter for Christ, my Savior. I know that all of our lives are fragile, precious, and a miracle. I want mine to be full of service to Him, who gave everything to me.

Have a wonderful Easter, and know you are loved.

He Lives

2010-04-03T22:33:00.001-06:00

Sunday Will Come

2010-04-02T12:03:00.002-06:00

Mud and Worms

2010-03-30T20:10:00.000-06:00

Welcome back, sweet spring time.

Oh, how I've missed you!

A field

2010-03-29T14:16:00.000-06:00

When you do things from your soul, you feel a river
moving in you, a joy.

-Rumi

Interesting thoughts and emotions seem to be running through my mind right now.

I feel so keenly aware of my blessings right now...probably more aware than I have ever been in my life. Each day causes me to step back and marvel at our life.

Interestingly, when others see me right now, it seems that they also step back and marvel...but not necessarily in a positive way. :) And that's to be expected. It's not every day any more that you see a mother with five small children, particularly one who is thrilled to be doing what she's doing.

I find that the more I become who I want to be, the less I fit. Anywhere.

In this current social/political climate, I am quite odd. Many people look at me and see a woman who should not be smiling, but who needs liberation. I am a contradiction to any idea of the "modern woman," in many ways. I am a mother. I am a wife. And I LOVE it. I drink it in like warm breath. Surely, I must be brainwashed? Hardly.

I am stretching myself more and more, and as I do, I find myself entering circles of new people...good people, wonderful people. But it is also difficult at times, as I am quite conservative and staunchly supportive of motherhood, and my life is quite a contradiction to some of the more liberally-minded acquaintances I have, and everything they stand for. It can be hard to feel like I belong, like I can make a difference.

But I am also a contradiction in many circles that I feel more "at home" in...more conservative circles, because I believe so much, and hope so much, and truly feel that I will have the time, means, and help to change the world, if I just try. I feel like it's worth the effort. I can't brush things aside easily. I'm a bit stubborn. (Well, maybe more than a bit...) I am not afraid of teaching my children to be different. I am not afraid of being different, myself. But that does make me stand out and feel a bit more alone at times.

So where do I fit?

Where do we fit?

I am doing what I love, in many aspects of my life. All of my passion and love is caught up in my family. So much of my heart is also striving to change the lives of women who are suffering. I can't do both of those things without stepping out of my comfort zone, and out of the "norm" in different areas.

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there.

- Rumi

I will never be what some of my more liberal friends think I should be, as a strong, modern woman, because I delight in being a stay-at-home wife and mother, teacher to my children, and have no desire to change my lifestyle. I will never be what many of my more conservative friends feel comfortable with either, as I can be a bit bold and forward in my views, and cannot ignore the problems of the world.

But in all of our differences, we can truly change the world together, each in our own way, each with our own gifts. I pray we can meet in that field, and make a difference.

By the way, this little snuggle-bug is two weeks old today. Holding her, being her mother...pure joy. I pray I can teach her to view herself and others through the open eyes of a bright, compassionate, thinking woman, who can value what each person has to offer, and who can become the best version of herself, doing things from her soul, meeting others in that field as well, and making a difference.

Him

2010-03-27T02:47:00.000-06:00

It's late. But as I lie here next to Matt, I find that I can't sleep.

Not out of restlessness, and certainly not out of a lack of tiredness.

I've just been lying here, in the near-dark, watching him and listening to his quiet breathing. Not long ago, he crawled back into bed after getting up to comfort our two-year-old.

I love him so dearly, it brings tears to my eyes. He has worked endlessly, tirelessly, to serve, bless, and comfort me. He has been constant, patient, and forever kind.

He has made it his constant effort to ensure that every dream I have ever had has become a burning reality. He sacrifices each day so that I can be more at ease, more comfortable, more happy.

He has made my life so full of joy, that it truly aches with love and happiness. I can't think of another word to describe it tonight, unusual as it may sound. How could I have ever been so abundantly blessed? I really do not know. I know he is far more than I deserve, but I also know that I was made to be with him.

It is not possible to express the gratitude and love that I feel, but as I lie here beside him tonight, I truly want to fill my life with good works, to try to give something back, to repay all that I have been so abundantly given.

Quite a week

2010-03-22T20:22:00.001-06:00

This has been quite the week. So many things to blog, or not to blog, about.

For instance, we shall blog about this girl:

This dear child broke her leg the day I gave birth. Yes, indeed. Poor thing. :( She has been so cheerful and so pleasant about it, and even tried extra hard to be brave about it, so that it was difficult at first to ascertain just how serious her injury actually was. :) But yes, indeed, a break occurred, so it was off to the emergency room for she and daddy.

We shall blog about the exciting cast signings that have ensued. Thank goodness for fun little traditions that seem to lighten up painful situations.

(Furthermore, we shall take a moment to note in all of this blogging that it has taken the work of three adults to make up for the help that this one girl normally gives me. Perhaps I am a little grateful it happened, if only to re-open my eyes to how much she does for me, and how much she means to me.)

We most certainly shall not blog about the amount of time spent in our pajamas this week.

We shall blog about our wonderful daddy, who missed his head shaving on St. Patty's day, because he was taking another one of our children to the urgent care. He still honored his commitment, and the girls got to help him shave his head.

We think he's mighty good looking. :)

So does someone else.

(His page is still open for donations, if you're interested, by the way. I love that he cares about how someone else's child feels, even in the midst of a week where his own children are having a hard time.)

We shall not blog about the amount of time spent in front of sunny windows this week, nor the amount of snow we got, which made some children ecstatic, and one child very sad indeed, as new pink casts and new wet snow do not mix.

We shall blog about the indescribable comfort it is to hold this little one in my arms. Incredible how holding her calms and soothes all of the little troubles of the week, and all of the hormonal uprisings that occur.

We also shall not blog about the fact that one of these children visited the urgent care due to a very horrible and painful virus in her mouth which has caused her to loathe any food of any kind, nor shall we blog about the fact that another of these children threw up all over the store today as I was brave enough to pick up more syringes and an ingredient for dinner while I was at it.

(Nor shall we blog at this time about the fact that I find it rather silly that I can go to any pharmacy in this country to purchase syringes, without a prescription, without proof that I am taking injectible medication of any kind, without showing any form of ID. On the other hand, I cannot buy cough medicine without showing an ID and getting entered into a tracking system. Odd.)

We shall blog about the overwhelming gratitude we have in our hearts for family and friends who have been there for us this week. They have done more than they can imagine.

Most of all, we shall blog about the miracle it is that this little one has lived one full week of life with our family. How did we ever live without her? It doesn't feel as though any of us could ever have really lived without her in our lives. She has definitely been along for one wild ride.

We love you, dear little one. Happy one week birthday. :)

Arrival

2010-03-18T11:54:00.005-06:00

She's here.

So many have said to me in the past few days, "You've arrived. You're finally here, where you've been waiting to be."

The funny thing about this arrival, and really all arrivals, is that they never happen quite how we plan.

They are often more difficult than we could have anticipated. But when you look back, the blessings of the arrival are astonishing.

The tender mercies are so abundant, it isn't possible to number them.

Another thing I have learned about arrivals is that they aren't really "arrivals" at all, not like I always envision.

They are brief, glorious moments in time along a longer journey.

I always imagine the "arrival" being a place to slow down, stop, and rest for a while.

But really, it never does stop or slow.

We arrive at a new moment, and quickly, life moves us forward.

The journey is full of ups and downs.

High points...

...and low points.

Our little family has been so blessed this week, though it has been a week full of new and very unexpected experiences, we have been blessed, so much so that it brings tears to my eyes to try to think about it.

We have been blessed with a new daughter, precious, perfect, and beautiful.

She arrived safely, early Monday morning, in spite of a difficult birth and exhausted parents.

The heavenly help was palpable. The spirit this new little one has brought to our home has been one of heavenly presence.

I am in awe.

We have been blessed with love this week. The kindness of friends who have gone out of their way for us has been astonishing. It has been a challenging week, and I find myself being grateful at every moment for my parents coming. I have no idea what we would have done without them this week. Matt's parents have also provided a love and a sense of constancy that I have needed so much.

Our family is traveling on this road together, making our way through this journey. The bumps, turns, and occasional arrivals are all wound together.

In the arriving moments, we see a glorious glimpse of just how blessed we are, and just how merciful the Lord has been.

Just what I needed

2010-03-14T13:22:00.000-06:00

Lately, in this rush before I have the baby, I have been trying to focus on many people's needs. How will my daughters be feeling once this all happens? How can I make it better for them? What in the world will I DO with them when I leave? How can I help my husband with the huge load he will be carrying soon? How can I best accommodate this new daughter into our lives? How can I get as much possible done with some of the other things that I care so deeply about before she arrives?

It has left me busy and happy, but also tired. I don't think I realized how tired, until yesterday.

Yesterday, a dear, kind, sweet friend from my old ward held a very lovely baby shower for me. To be honest, when she first asked if she could, I said yes because I love her and I could tell she wanted to do it, but I felt kind of foolish in a way. I mean, not only was this my fifth baby, but it was also my fifth daughter. What possible need could I have for a baby shower? I had clothes and everything else. But the chance of spending a morning with this lovely friend was too good to pass up. :) So I said yes.

When I actually got to the shower, and saw what she had planned, and what she had done, I had to hold back the tears. She could not have planned a more perfect morning for me, and for what I needed just then. There was nothing that I didn't need, but so much of what I did, not only physically for the baby, but also emotionally for me.

I hadn't talked to her much about the shower, so I know that everything she did was inspired in her mind. It struck me...the absolute love our Father in Heaven has for us...for me. He knew what I needed, and He cared about what I needed, even when it hadn't crossed my own mind. And He sent someone who could fulfill that.

It gives me hope. If He knows what I need, and can make sure I am blessed with it, I can also be sure that He knows what those I love need, and He will help me to give it to them.

(By the way, my friend, who this little one affectionately calls "May-er-weeze," fashioned a perfect little blanket for the new baby. But it came just in time to comfort this wee one, who has been so sad and sick again today. Thank you, May-er-weeze. :) Your gift has blessed us so much already.)

Women

2010-03-09T15:37:00.002-07:00

Yesterday was International Women's Day. I'm not often big on many of these "days of recognition" (though I must say, National Potato Chip Day and Companies that Care Day often rank high on my priority list....).

However, this one was different in my heart, as women from the Democratic Republic of the Congo and women from neighboring Rwanda met together on a bridge to stand and call for peace and hope. This, in countries where women cannot walk to get water or go to a field without the verifiable fear of being raped or killed.

(photo by Women for Women International)

What is it that gives women this special hope, resilience, and light? I believe we were given it from the beginning, from before we were even born. Life and goodness spring forth from women, and as Sheri Dew said, "No woman is a more vibrant instrument in the hands of the Lord than a woman of God who is thrilled to be who she is." I think that one of the greatest sadnesses, in any culture, is the devaluing of women. The influences, both stark and subtle, that convince them that they are nothing, that they have nothing to offer, that they are of no worth.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

I learn this a little more each time I am blessed with another daughter.

The light, the hope that is born with each and every woman is something remarkable. Something I have been truly blessed to behold. I count it among my chiefest blessings. Every day, I get to see their hearts and their minds, open and loving, ready to help, serve, and love anyone that they meet. So much in this world tries desperately to take that natural gift out of women, before they ever realize they have it.

As I prepare for my fifth little woman, I count myself truly blessed, and I know just how much I have been given. I am humbled by so much unearned mercy in my life, which mercy I will endeavor all my days to be worthy of. My heart longs to fill each of my little women with as much hope and confidence as I can. I want each of them to be "thrilled to be who she is," so that they may each take that light out into the world and change it for the better. "We are the ones we have been waiting for," I recently heard from an inspired woman.

"One woman can change anything, but many women can change everything."

-Christine Karumba

Going Bald

2010-03-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

It's that time again...Matt will be getting his head shaved again this St. Patrick's Day to help cure kid's cancer. It is a great cause, and could really help someone. (I cannot imagine facing such a difficult disease so early in life.) Take a minute to visit the page and consider donating! Thanks! :)

Hope Smiling Brightly

2010-03-03T14:03:00.003-07:00

It can be so easy to get down and to think that our lives are so hard. But so few of us actually suffer, as so many others do. Today, I am so grateful for my blessings, one of the greatest of which is my knowledge of these women:

(photo by Lisa Shannon)

Unspeakable horror has been a daily reality for them, and yet look at those beautiful faces! Hope and love smile brightly from those women, as they run for others who have been through what they themselves have been through. It fills my heart with joy, love, and perspective.

(photo by Lisa Shannon)

I am beginning to understand more and more why Christ commanded us to love and serve others. It was just as much for us as it is for others who may need our help. Nothing can fill your heart with love, peace, and healing more than helping another person who is hurting. Nothing can empty a soul more than selfishness. Nothing fills it more than selflessness.

These women have been some of my greatest teachers in that area. Are you down today?

"Find someone who is having a hard time...and do something for them."

- Thomas S. Monson

So simple.

(Find out more about the women of the Congo at their incredible run at Lisa Shannon's blog.)

Sick

2010-02-26T14:21:00.002-07:00

This is what my week has consisted of.

Miserable kids, miserable mom, and a poor husband who I so desperately rely on who has had to be at work from the early morning hours until very late at night. I have been alone, exhausted, and very sick. Each day brings new challenges, new moments of cleaning up after several people, including myself. Spending hours scrubbing floors and shag carpet after another child has thrown up, only to throw up myself. Hearing the desperate cries of "Help me, momma!" as a young one gets scared and sick again, and my heart breaks. Trying not to throw up any more myself so that my contractions will stop. Over-using my blessed, darling, oldest child, who can never begin to imagine what she does for me.

But even in this bleak week, I have been uplifted. Astonishingly, even in the mind-numbing madness of seemingly accomplishing nothing other than surviving, I have been so blessed to see my tremendous blessings.

Sometimes, I think it takes a week like this to make me stop and realize just how blessed we are, and just how truly little we suffer.

Oddly, it was a tremendously cold and wholly self-absorbed remark from a bitter person that brightened my week. This person was so absorbed in herself, not only unaware of the hurting of so many others, but blatantly desirous to remain that way. She was ridiculously selfish, shockingly unaware, and so tightly wound up in herself that I cannot imagine any light entering her heart.

At first, her remarks hurt me and angered me. I wondered why, on this of all weeks, I had to encounter such a repulsive person. But then, last night, in the middle of another string of endless days and nights where I have lied on the floor with my 8-month pregnant body, trying to rub two backs at once and comfort sick children, my own mind began to fill for a moment with selfish thoughts.

But almost instantly, I remembered this other person, so bitter and selfish. I couldn't bear the thought of feeling like her. I prayed for help and instantly joy and peace filled my heart. I realized that I would ten times rather have this life, complete with this difficult week, than the lives of most other women around the world, women who truly suffer, as I have never had to. I would rather have a miserable week if it means I am blessed with the husband, the children, and the open heart and mind that I have been given.

I felt such sorrow for the woman whose comments I had encountered. Can anyone who is selfish like that feel any joy at all? No. Safety and security, maybe (albeit false). But never joy.

Keep your ignorance and your safety, my dear, sad woman. You have my complete sorrow. I will take my sick children, my exhausted husband, and my difficult week. With joy. Because we are going through it together, and with a realization of our great blessings. One of which is that I can now stomach a bowl of broth.

PS - Even in this hard week, wonderful things are unfolding. I can't wait to tell you about them soon. :)

Honored

2010-02-26T13:59:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, I was truly honored to receive the Outstanding Homelessness Advocate Award from the Family Tree organization. It was a great honor, and truly goes to my entire family, as this has been a family endeavor for us.

I do some volunteer work at a shelter for women and children in the Denver area. It is an incredible experience for me, but it seems that I have shared my experiences with relatively few people before. Perhaps it is because it is so personal to me. Perhaps it is because I love the women there so much, that I don't want to make light of them by terming them as simply "volunteer work."

These women have lifted my soul and my own burdens. I have learned far more from them than they could ever learn from our wonderful yoga sessions together. And they have taught me, again and again, the power of hope, of a positive attitude, and of finding joy in womanhood. They have taught me that it is worth it, to try to make a difference. One small moment can change a life forever, just as they have changed mine.

When I spend time with them, my own blessings seem even greater, and my own troubles so much smaller. My heart fills with hope again each time I go, as does my family's. My girls see that other people are just as precious as they are, regardless of where they live or where they have been. They also see their own tremendous blessings.

They have also taught me, once again, that each of us has an abundance of some kind. Each of us has something to give. And miraculously, when we give of ourselves and our time, there is always plenty more for what we need to get done.

Blessed am I, to know these women. I have found many dear hearts among them, and I will love and pray for them forever.

Niff

2010-02-22T18:52:00.003-07:00

Lately, we've all had a round of colds, which has handed us a round of laughs from our littlest one. She can't say "sniff," but loves to talk about "having a sniff."

Instead, she says "niff," and I think it's the funniest thing ever. :)

Premonitions

2010-02-19T14:54:00.000-07:00

I've been seeing this poor little face a lot lately. It seems that it happens every time, in the preparing time before a new baby comes. Sadness, confusion, frustration, and often outright despair seem to fall on the other children, particularly the littlest.

This poor little one spends much of her day in tears, and some in anger. I can see in her eyes that she is upset, frightened, and confused. I can tell that ofttimes, she doesn't even know herself what she is crying for. She just knows something is coming. She is afraid and upset, and she doesn't know what to think.

Today I took her in my arms and held her. She resisted me at first. She was too upset and felt angry. But as I quietly held her and stroked her little curls, she gradually melted into my arms, and her cry changed from a wail to a soft, genuine, heartache cry. I whispered to her that everything would be alright. That she would love the baby. That though things would be hard for a while, she would be glad for the change.

As I held her, tears came to my eyes. You see, lately, I've had a premonition, too. At various times in my life, I've felt that something was coming. Something difficult and perhaps frightening. And lately, that feeling has returned. My own heart has cried, and fear has been hard to push away from my mind. I have thought of past things that happened when this feeling preceded them. I never want to go through anything like any of those things again, and I have fought a sense of dread. I'm happy with how things are. I don't want anything to change. I have pleaded in my prayers that I would be wrong, and that nothing difficult would come. But the more I have resisted the future, the more I have resisted my own comfort.

As I held my daughter today, I could quietly, gently feel Someone else holding me. As I hushed her fears and assured her that everything would be wonderful in the end, I felt those same whisperings in my heart. As I quietly whispered, "Trust me, sweetie," I heard a whisper in my own mind. "Trust Me, Ann."

Suddenly, fear started to fade, and a remembrance that He knows more than I know came back to me. Just as I know more than my littlest daughter right now, He knows more than me, His little daughter. Just as I know that it may be hard for a little while on her, I know that this new little sister will bring her great joy, love, and companionship...such that she could never have known without her. And just as He may know that whatever is coming may be difficult for me for a while, He also knows that it will make me a happier, better person in the end, just as these things always have. As I look back on all of the past struggles, I am grateful for them, every single one. Though they were painful and very difficult to undergo, each has brought me a joy and a growth I could never have had without it.

Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: But rejoice..." (1 Peter 4:12-13.)

Down

2010-02-17T23:00:00.001-07:00

Do you ever get down?

Of course you do.

We all do.

I try so hard not to. There are so many good things to do. So much to be done. So much light to feel and to give.

But some days, it just seems that everything builds up, that I keep making mistakes, that I keep bothering other people, that any number of things happen.

And on those days, it can be hard to keep trying. It can be hard not to let the tears come to my eyes, and to not give in to the tiredness that I get so tempted to feel. It can be easy to shut down, or to shut the rest of the world out and forget the good things that I am trying to do.

But tonight, after spending some time in Matt's warm arms and listening to his kind, loving voice, I realize again that my life is something special. That all of our lives are. And that days like today can't let us stop trying, or stop moving forward.

"...but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before..." (Phil. 3:13)

I can't stop reaching forward. Somehow, even on the darker days, I know there is light, hope, and a very bright future ahead. I have something to give. There is a reason I am here.

So I'll keep trying. :)

Nakupenda

2010-02-13T19:19:00.004-07:00

Today our family walked to honor the Congolese women who will be running soon. It was a very cold and windy, but wonderful.

I love my family. I love their compassion, their awareness, and their love.

As we walked in the mud and the cold, my mind was full of these beautiful women, and I longed to tell them, too:

"You've changed my life. You've given me perspective and hope.

Nakupenda.
Je t'aime.
I love you."

Run for Congo Women, Congo Style

2010-02-10T15:46:00.003-07:00

Any of you acquainted with me at all know how important the Congo is to me, and the Run for Congo Women. The suffering of women there is unimaginable to any of us here. I have been trying to do all that I can to help them in my own way.

This year, for the first time, Congolese women who have been through the miraculous program that Women for Women offers, and who have been blessed and had their lives changed and saved, are reaching out to other women in the Congo, women who have been raped, tortured, and who have suffered just as they have. They want to give hope and help to other women, just as it has been given to them.

On February 28th, Congolese women will participate in their first-ever Run for Congo Women.

What love.

I am moved and awed by these women...women who have been through the most horrific things I have ever heard of in my life, now wanting to reach out to other women and help them.

Among them will be this woman, Generose.

(photo by Lisa Shannon)

She seems fine enough, right?

No.

She has been through the worst I have ever heard. (To read an article about her, go here. To see a short video, go here.) A militia killed her husband, began to rape her, cut off her leg, and killed one of her children. The story is much worse than that, but the heart of the story is miraculous. Through her sponsor through the Women for Women program, she has managed to find help and healing, and has been able to support her family.

Even Generose, with only one leg, will be running with the other Congolese women.

Before this miraculous event, many small groups are forming for their own runs or walks to show their love and support for the Congolese women and their upcoming run.

Our family will be walking one mile for Congo Women this Saturday, February 13th. If you are in the neighborhood, and want to walk along, let me know! If not, why not gather your daughters, your sisters, your husbands, your friends, and walk with them? (What a great way, so easy, to show your children that they can do something in the world!) Or walk/run by yourself! These women have been through so much, and have suffered so tremendously. This is such a small thing that we can do for them.

If you do decide to participate, please comment on my blog with information on what you did, or a link to pictures on your blog! I'd love to see! I'll also let you know how you can send the pictures to Lisa Shannon, founder of Run for Congo Women, who is in the Congo right now. Before their run on the 28th, Lisa will be sharing the photos and messages of support with the Congolese women, to let them know how loved they truly are.

Donations are welcome, if you like, and can be made at this page, but the main goal of this event is to show Congolese women that they are special, that we care, and that they are loved.